Slight Delay

I wrote something for you all tonight, but it seemed a little pretentious. I didn't like the way it sounded. So I'm sorry, but you'll all just have to wait for the weekend and a better post. Cheers.

I Tried to Be, But I'm Not

I guess this entry has been both a long time coming and both a new revelation. Today my new friend Kirby asked me quite directly why I was in the engineering field. I thought I knew generally why he asked, but I asked him anyway. He said that in many ways the way I present myself leads him to believe that I'm more of a liberal arts sorta guy. He said it was mostly the way I talked and the things I talked about. It may seem strange, but I was flattered. In some ways that is the person I want to be seen as: a liberal arts kinda guy who is successful as an engineer (forgive me if it seems I'm giving myself too much credit). I was fairly happy that someone I had only recently come into contact with got a similar feeling about me. But his question got me thinking about things again.

This is really one of my essential dilemmas. In many ways I feel a major (and subsequently, with any luck, a career) in the liberal arts would be much more suited to my needs and desires as an individual...and indeed, many of my friends from high school have chosen to take paths of that general nature. I won't lie and tell you that on certain occasions I don't envy them on some level. I could have taken that route; I still could. On many I have no doubt it would provide great satisfaction for me if I did take that path.

But I'm not going to go that way, folks (though I still plan on furthering myself in such areas for years to come). I chose my major and future career for several good reasons that continue to hold true. The reason I answered Kirby with is that I recognize that I do have some talent in engineering and I think I could do the most to positively influence the world and the future by pursuing that part of myself. I truly want to work on something that will make life better for the people around me in a significant manner. I want to do as much for the world and for people as I can, while I can. No offense to anyone, but I just don't feel that if I pursued a career in language, literature, or philosophy (which would, in some way, shape, or form be my choice of a more liberal arts oriented degree) I could do as much to help people. Maybe that's a delusion, but it's my delusion.

"Bright shiny futures are overrated anyway."

Perhaps it's time we had another little chat. I think I have some things I need to say...just don't get too excited. I'll refrain from typing it all right away so that I can make it more respectable for you all. Also, it may be time I finally reevaluated my own priorities.

Edit the Sad Parts

The autumn quarter is behind me. I guess it'd be appropriate to reminisce about it here.

I came into the quarter looking for a transition from my life as a dependent to a life of greater self-reliance. As I wrote in this blog before I left, I am now officially a man without a real home. My life is now, and will for at least two years to come, be full of many changes. This is because every three months I have to move somewhere else thanks to my school and co-op arrangement.

Anyway, looking back now I can see a few ways I've changed in these past few months. First of all, I've become a lot less of a worrier as a result of my changing perspective on life. I simply don't see the point in devoting any energy to worrying anymore...it does not help me, so I've cut it out of my life. My grades didn't even drop with this perceivable increase in what some might consider apathy. I've also become even more skeptical and less reserved about feeling so. In many ways I can thank the support of my roommate Chris for that...among other things, of course. But I've truly appreciated the feedback I have received from him on the numerous occasions we've engaged in a more lofty dialogue. It makes me feel like I'm making progress towards becoming the man I want to be.

Elizabeth came to college this quarter. I for one thought that was going to be a big deal for me...I was wrong. Perhaps it comes as a result of my increase in "apathy" that this didn't change my habits. I did enjoy having fun times with her around campus on occasion and meeting her roommate (who was really quite nice). Plus, I feel like I was at least somewhat useful to her as a friend. That's all I really wanted anyway. We're cool and I can say that officially.

My quest from romance took an interesting twist this quarter. I didn't really have much time to find someone due to all of the craziness in my life...but there was this girl! I don't think she reads this, but even if she does there's nothing embarrassing to tell and I love being honest with everyone...so here's the scoop. Okay; all of my college friends and I went to a football game together and afterward we met up at a bar (we got pizza, FYI). I was feeling decent, but really laying back and listening to other people talk and things were going well. I was sitting next to Dan in our booth and I noticed that the girl next to him was, well, to my humble eyes, striking. This is somewhat strange because I've never really been one for blonds, despite the old saying. That's not to say I discriminate, it's simply the pattern I've seen in my past behavior. But I digress. Needless to say I tried to talk to her...but she really paid me any mind at all. Who can blame her though, when surrounded by far more interesting and social people than myself? However, I was not to be deterred. As we exited the bar I looked around for her and, lo and behold, she was right next to me! Being the awkward fellow I am I did my standard fake gasp and feigned a great surprise (because I was surprised and wanted her to know that...as well as to catch her eye...I just was not that surprised) to which she responded that she didn't mean to scare me. I, as a further testament to my awkwardness, told her that I had been looking for her. Now she was surprised. I'll digress here to tell you all that she was actually in our group all along (hence her sitting with us) so she and I were walking the same way. Anyway, on the walk back we traded snarky remarks and had a friendly bantered back and forth about life, English, and literature. It really seemed like we were hitting it off. She and I seemed a good deal alike in our conversational style (which if she reads this, she may deny) and our pursuit of some sort of perfection in life. She was a truly bright star. Everyone seemed to notice how we talked to each other too. "Finally", I thought to myself, "I've met a girl at UC who might actually appreciate me for who I am". Things might finally work out! So, after the evening was over, I found her on Facebook and had every intention of asking her out (in person, gypsies!) after a one day grace period. Can you believe that folks? Crazy conservative Jacob, so struck by a woman that'd he'd make the leap so quickly? Amazing, right? For those of you not in the know, it took me a year to ask out my last girlfriend (of course we all know how that turned out). Well, here's the kicker folks, which, if I didn't know better, I'd take as a sign that I'm doomed to be alone -- in that grace day she started going out with another guy, a freshman, who lives in her building. Apparently she'd liked him for a while (Jayna told me that). I was, for lack of a better word, floored. And that was the extent of things. I like to think I'm a gentleman, so I backed off. They're happy, from what I hear. So cheers. And better luck next time.

Back to standard summary mode. I got a co-op job this quarter. I'm assigned to work in Belpre, Ohio, as a Process Engineer in a polymer plant. I will need special safety clothing and am paid quite well. That job certainly solidified my future to some degree. I'm looking forward to working again and living alone in a new city a lot. I can't wait to really manage my own life on my own terms.

Academically, this quarter reaffirmed for me my love of chemistry and my ability to scramble to learn things when the pressure is on (CALCULUS, I'm looking at you) I beasted on the final due some awesome studying and selective memorization. Cheers to that. My GPA was not as high as in the past, but it didn't really fall too far. I think it is within the Standard Deviation, for those of you in the know. So cheers to that.

I was also fortunate to have many friends visit me this quarter. I love it when they come down, despite how stressed it makes me because I don't know what all to do. When it's just me I don't do much so when people visit...I can't think of that many special things to do! I love my friends, so I want them to have the best of times, you know? It is also really grand for my friends from back home to meet my college friends. That's one of my favorite parts. I truly enjoy seeing how two people I esteem highly interact with each other. Perhaps the most successful visit was when Jennifer and Erin came down for a day. They blended perfectly with my college friends and we moved together like a united group. It was like they'd always been there! I think they really enjoyed the visit because of how great the dynamic was...I know I did (among other things, of course).

So this quarter was significant in many ways and it seemed to last forever (much like this post, right dear reader?)...to me at least. I'll try to update again soon because there is a lot more to say. No promises though. Thanks for reading, if you do.

I think I'm attracted to insecurity in an individual as much as anything else. Maybe because I can really empathize with it.

Good Morning

I'll give you all a full report soon.

Maybe I Wouldn't Like Death If Death Were Good

A song based on the poem "Dying Is Fine" by ee Cummings.

Thoughts Under a Pine Tree

Yesterday I participated in my first ever "Retreat". I've refrained from such behavior in the past for several reasons, the least of which certainly not being the fact that I've never been seriously invited. Anyway, this retreat was sure to be less awkward than most because it was a UC chorus retreat; that is to say, there were no "strings" attached to my attendance. We'll not get into that though.

I was actually really looking forward to it until Friday (the day before the retreat) when it finally dawned on me that I'd be spending a whole day with strangers, playing games that I have never enjoyed in my life, and hopefully singing. I love singing and I hoped to meet new people, so it wasn't as if I was dreading it...but I began to realize what my situation really was.

Anyway, I went on the retreat. There were a good deal of grand moments: the whole combined choirs randomly doing the wave or breaking out into a rendition of "We Will Rock You", Bohemian Rhapsody with the guys around the piano, or singing Rocky Horror with Kyle (who is an understudy for Rif Raf at the local production)...and of course the rehearsal. However, at the end of the day I just felt unhappy.

After all the singing and games were done and we were almost ready to leave, everyone ran out to do their random fun things...I sat under a pine tree and tried to gather my thoughts on life and myself. I'll try to write it out here because it philosophical enough not to be simply depressing.

The scene was this: I quickly left the building where we had been playing a game and sat under a tree. I watched the crowd of people leave the building, marking each group in my mind. I saw new friends walking together, people on cell phones tied to people back home, a few loners looking for someone to talk to but heading in the same direction as everyone else, and even a few couples, obviously enjoying themselves. Finally, my friend Kyle walked out...pretty much last. He walks over to my tree and we have a short exchange...I'm pretty sure he wanted me to follow him over there to the rest of the people, "I'm going to try to get a better seat on the bus this time." "I'm just going to chill here, man. I'll see you later." And he walked away. I was alone with the ants and the pine needles. The piano sung and I wondered who was playing it but at last my thoughts found a spot to wander to and as I picked apart the dead needles, I was lost in thought.

Initially, I thought about the nature of destruction and creation as I broke apart the pine needles. Was I destroying something? Or was I creating something new by breaking the dead needles into smaller pieces? If nothing is ever truly lost, can anything really be destroyed? Doesn't that mean that creation and destruction are simply human labels brought about by our perspective of the universe? I thought about the nature of death as I gazed out at the dead grass surrounding the tree truck...brought to ruin by a lack of water and the ant colony below me. No one mourns a blade of grass, or a cow...and yet they die as well. What does it mean to be alive? Everything comes from the closeness and attachment that we ourselves choose to have for someone or something. Anything can be something or nothing, created or destroyed, worth mourning for, if only we choose to make it so.

My next thought was about my own behavior. I began to wonder why I have so much trouble in these social settings. I mean, I enjoyed being with the new friends I had made, but when it came to the large group social games or playing sports with the people...I just felt really negative about it and even depressed. I didn't want to do those things...most of them seemed pointless and silly. I love doing that sort of thing with my friends...but with random people it doesn't work. I looked back and saw myself letting myself lose out of the game early and watching the people playing. I put a fake smile on my face so I wouldn't look like a jerk. I saw people laughing together at pretty much nothing, guys and girls flirting like crazy, and completely off the wall behavior. I thought to myself that that's how I should be acting...but here's the crux of my train of thought: that sort of behavior is not who I am and even if I make a friend or find a girl interested in me by doing that sort of thing, I'm lying to them by doing it.

That's a big part of the problem. I don't ever want to lie with actions, words, or even thoughts to anyone, especially myself. I can't do the normal human thing and just go with the flow. I can't even pretend to like playing "Two People Talking, Three People Rowing" for the purpose of making new friends. As I saw it, these people were competing through action...and I was on the losing end because I wouldn't fight.

I have always hoped that one day I'd find someone who really just liked me for who I am, for my idle self...not who I can force myself to be. I'm beginning to think that isn't how the world works. I wonder if it makes me arrogant. Do I not compete because I think I'm better than everyone else; do I think I deserve more? Not consciously at least...otherwise I wouldn't feel how I so often feel. But at the same time, by acting differently than other people, I set myself up for failure...and so I fail every time.

I like to think that a person can lead without force and competitiveness, but with kindness and determination, and that a person can socialize without losing a sense of serious meaningful interaction. Perhaps the really meaningful interactions are the ones I dislike...I have never been so vain as to think that my priorities are how things should be. But I can't stop being myself.

I got up from the ground, walked to the bus, and sat in silence the entire trip back. I didn't regret going, or acting the way I did. I certainly didn't shrug anyone off. But I did wish I was different...that I could simply choose to be the guy telling the jokes and playing all the games. But no. I'm the guy with the sunglasses on who thinks too much about what it means to be honest with yourself. Maybe honesty is just another lie I tell myself...only time will tell.

But hey, Saturday night was awesome. I spent a lot of good times with the people I knew and enjoyed every minute of it...so I can't be totally off my rocker, right? Cheers, gypsies.