Thoughts Under a Pine Tree

Yesterday I participated in my first ever "Retreat". I've refrained from such behavior in the past for several reasons, the least of which certainly not being the fact that I've never been seriously invited. Anyway, this retreat was sure to be less awkward than most because it was a UC chorus retreat; that is to say, there were no "strings" attached to my attendance. We'll not get into that though.

I was actually really looking forward to it until Friday (the day before the retreat) when it finally dawned on me that I'd be spending a whole day with strangers, playing games that I have never enjoyed in my life, and hopefully singing. I love singing and I hoped to meet new people, so it wasn't as if I was dreading it...but I began to realize what my situation really was.

Anyway, I went on the retreat. There were a good deal of grand moments: the whole combined choirs randomly doing the wave or breaking out into a rendition of "We Will Rock You", Bohemian Rhapsody with the guys around the piano, or singing Rocky Horror with Kyle (who is an understudy for Rif Raf at the local production)...and of course the rehearsal. However, at the end of the day I just felt unhappy.

After all the singing and games were done and we were almost ready to leave, everyone ran out to do their random fun things...I sat under a pine tree and tried to gather my thoughts on life and myself. I'll try to write it out here because it philosophical enough not to be simply depressing.

The scene was this: I quickly left the building where we had been playing a game and sat under a tree. I watched the crowd of people leave the building, marking each group in my mind. I saw new friends walking together, people on cell phones tied to people back home, a few loners looking for someone to talk to but heading in the same direction as everyone else, and even a few couples, obviously enjoying themselves. Finally, my friend Kyle walked out...pretty much last. He walks over to my tree and we have a short exchange...I'm pretty sure he wanted me to follow him over there to the rest of the people, "I'm going to try to get a better seat on the bus this time." "I'm just going to chill here, man. I'll see you later." And he walked away. I was alone with the ants and the pine needles. The piano sung and I wondered who was playing it but at last my thoughts found a spot to wander to and as I picked apart the dead needles, I was lost in thought.

Initially, I thought about the nature of destruction and creation as I broke apart the pine needles. Was I destroying something? Or was I creating something new by breaking the dead needles into smaller pieces? If nothing is ever truly lost, can anything really be destroyed? Doesn't that mean that creation and destruction are simply human labels brought about by our perspective of the universe? I thought about the nature of death as I gazed out at the dead grass surrounding the tree truck...brought to ruin by a lack of water and the ant colony below me. No one mourns a blade of grass, or a cow...and yet they die as well. What does it mean to be alive? Everything comes from the closeness and attachment that we ourselves choose to have for someone or something. Anything can be something or nothing, created or destroyed, worth mourning for, if only we choose to make it so.

My next thought was about my own behavior. I began to wonder why I have so much trouble in these social settings. I mean, I enjoyed being with the new friends I had made, but when it came to the large group social games or playing sports with the people...I just felt really negative about it and even depressed. I didn't want to do those things...most of them seemed pointless and silly. I love doing that sort of thing with my friends...but with random people it doesn't work. I looked back and saw myself letting myself lose out of the game early and watching the people playing. I put a fake smile on my face so I wouldn't look like a jerk. I saw people laughing together at pretty much nothing, guys and girls flirting like crazy, and completely off the wall behavior. I thought to myself that that's how I should be acting...but here's the crux of my train of thought: that sort of behavior is not who I am and even if I make a friend or find a girl interested in me by doing that sort of thing, I'm lying to them by doing it.

That's a big part of the problem. I don't ever want to lie with actions, words, or even thoughts to anyone, especially myself. I can't do the normal human thing and just go with the flow. I can't even pretend to like playing "Two People Talking, Three People Rowing" for the purpose of making new friends. As I saw it, these people were competing through action...and I was on the losing end because I wouldn't fight.

I have always hoped that one day I'd find someone who really just liked me for who I am, for my idle self...not who I can force myself to be. I'm beginning to think that isn't how the world works. I wonder if it makes me arrogant. Do I not compete because I think I'm better than everyone else; do I think I deserve more? Not consciously at least...otherwise I wouldn't feel how I so often feel. But at the same time, by acting differently than other people, I set myself up for failure...and so I fail every time.

I like to think that a person can lead without force and competitiveness, but with kindness and determination, and that a person can socialize without losing a sense of serious meaningful interaction. Perhaps the really meaningful interactions are the ones I dislike...I have never been so vain as to think that my priorities are how things should be. But I can't stop being myself.

I got up from the ground, walked to the bus, and sat in silence the entire trip back. I didn't regret going, or acting the way I did. I certainly didn't shrug anyone off. But I did wish I was different...that I could simply choose to be the guy telling the jokes and playing all the games. But no. I'm the guy with the sunglasses on who thinks too much about what it means to be honest with yourself. Maybe honesty is just another lie I tell myself...only time will tell.

But hey, Saturday night was awesome. I spent a lot of good times with the people I knew and enjoyed every minute of it...so I can't be totally off my rocker, right? Cheers, gypsies.