You don't have to like this post; or, thoughts I consider somewhat embarassing but would encourage feedback regarding

My time in Japan has led to the acceleration of many changes in my life. I think that, no matter how this last month goes, I will come away a stronger and more adult person.

Throughout college I've gradually come to some realizations that may or may not be true. When I entered college I was a very innocent person. I was ignorant of many things and timid in many ways. In many ways those "deficiencies" made up the person I was.

For one thing I was under the impression that I could get away with being just an intellectual. All throughout school the thing I relied on most was my intelligence. I prided myself on the prestige that it could bring to me. If my notion of myself as an intellectual had been shattered in those early days, I would have had a lot of trouble. Now, this is not to say that my friends liked me because I was smart...I don't even think I thought that. But what I am saying is that it's the only thing I considered worthwhile about myself. I saw myself as being kind and smart, but also uncool, timid, and fat. Kind doesn't put food on the table, so smart got all of the credit.

College, over time, defeated in me the notion that I was a person for whom "intelligent" could serve as an acceptable label. I began to realize that a good portion of my success was actually because I cared about people and generally tried to think about their needs and situations. I also realized that making and sticking to goals is a huge part of succeeding. I'm probably in the lower half of all engineers in pure intelligence and work ethic, but I'm not quitting, so I'll make it.

Also, before coming to college I believe (and now comes the part where I admit that hindsight isn't really 20/20) that I honestly saw all people in the same way. I treated everyone equally and I wanted to apply my standards to everyone. I'm not saying that I don't still believe that everyone deserves the same rights and respect, but I am saying that not everyone can be treated the same way.

Allow me to clarify that previous point. Now, as most of you know, I've had a pretty tight-knit group of friends for most of my life, one way or another. Among these friends there were both boys and girls. I had always felt that the gender of my friends is 100% irrelevant. I told the same secrets and talked the same way to everyone. Even when my mother objected to us all spending the night together as a group, I never understood the reasons for her feelings. It was a complete non-issue.

In college, one of my classes was Human Diversity. It was here that I was informed of my misunderstanding. A question was posed to the class: Do you tell the same secrets to your friends who are girls as the friends who are guys (or something to that effect)? For me the answer was an obvious and resounding "Yes!" I was shocked when I was literally the only person who answered that way. I had never perceived that things should be otherwise. What assumptions of mine were incorrect? The girls didn't trust their guys friends to understand their true feelings and problems because they have totally different life experiences. Many guys would never feel comfortable opening up to a girl for fear of appearing weak. It became obvious that I was oblivious to many things. Neither of those points and the countless other reasons ever occurred to me.

Later in college, I realized that this carried over into other areas. I didn't tone things down for anyone; appropriate behavior dictates that I be more careful around certain people. I've since been told that, because of my style of conversation, some people feel intimidated by me - "I'm speaking too much like an intellectual". Other people have told me that I need to hold back on my willingness to debate a point - even when I think I'm being friendly and engaging in a grand conversation. I never mean to alienate anyone - I want to know what they think and why they think it. I want to make myself understood. But to truly be understood, I must consider the receiver more carefully. My one-size-fits-all philosophy, although perhaps beautiful for its zealous egalitarianism and praised by my more like-minded friends is, quite simply, not the best route.

All of this came to a head with a relationship I had in college. I not going to name names though. But, as I tried to understand this person and the way they responded to me, I realized that my usual straightforward style simply wouldn't cut it...and sometimes there are things that, although not really impolite or socially unacceptable, you simply just don't say. The whole "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" schtick, which I had for the longest time considered antiquated and anti-equality, actually had a grain of truth to it. This was a hard pill to swallow.

Coming to Japan has also taught me to value my physical appearance more. Since my middle school days I'd pretty much given up on being at all good looking or physically fit (to a point). I'd been made fun of so much about my weight that I considered it a lost cause; something I had to compensate for but could do nothing about. In that same vein, I disregarded fashion as something beyond my comprehension. I sometimes even took pride in having no fashion sense, seeing it as a reflection of my transcendence above such follies. The only time I ever wanted to look good was the summer of 2005-before and after that I had no motivation.

Only now am I realizing how much this has been a foolish path. A friend of my boss' admitted to me Sunday night that, upon meeting me, he judged me as a "round" person. In that way, I was seen as somewhat "dull". But now that I've lost some weight he sees me as a "sharp" person. Much more competent. Even one of my closest friends, Ryan, although he would never admit it about me, has commented how a classmate who was such a "butterball" at the beginning of college had really gotten things together. How do you think I sit on that rubric? Does it really not matter to you?

Also, being in Tokyo has truly made me notice how much effort some people put into their clothing. The old saying "Clothes make the man" always meant to me, "dress well to look professional". As long as I looked professional and clean, I'd be in the clear. Not truly. Most people judge you on how you dress and your physical appearance, almost immediately after they see you. To be more accepted I have to have more style. Look at my friends - they all have a style. What's mine? The no style style. That can't cut it.

I've never been successful with women. Now, I am 90% sure it isn't really about "confidence"; it's about how I present myself. The confidence stuff is a euphemism. It isn't the posture and talk; it's a presence that is strongly influenced by physical fitness and fashion. A dear friend of mine - a genuine, intelligent, and kind person, was actually turned down by a girl, in her own words, because he is "overweight". Her loss, right? Yes, but that's not much of a consolation to my friend. You see it everywhere. I was willfully blind for a long time - now I'm determined not to fall under that umbrella anymore.

Some of you reading this might be unhappy with this post. I envision thoughts like, "When did Jacob get so vain?"; "Man, he sure is jaded"; "What, you don't think of all people equally anymore!?" (not true in the way you mean it); "Is he depressed? Where did this come from?"...you get the picture. But I don't think any of these thoughts are true...except maybe the second one. I love my friends in the same way, and the close ones are still in a circle above the general populace...but I recognize that all people aren't going to connect with me in the same way. I'm not out to judge people and I'm not condemning anyone either. In the end, I ask you to not take anything I say here in the wrong way; please judge me by the way I treat you. This is just a slight shift in the way I see the world. Hopefully, it will bring me health, fulfillment, and further growth.

At the same time, I'm interested in your thoughts. Vigorous debate is still something I enjoy. Then again, I bet 5 people at max read this blog. Cheers.

Reflections

Learning Japanese has been a continuing struggle for me. I began my study of the language last August, almost as a complete beginner. My skill was limited to a fragmented knowledge hiragana, the numerals one to ten and several words and phrases I gleaned from watching anime in Japanese. That is to say, I was next to clueless. Since then I’ve made a lot of progress. From the time I arrived in Japan last August and continuing through my studies under Nishida sensei at UC, I’ve been very fortunate to have a lot of support from my teachers and my fellow students. My ability has slowly increased to the point where hiragana and katakana are easily understood and my knowledge of kanji expands every day. My vocabulary and grammar skills have also made a quantum leap since August. And yet, I have so much left to learn. It is frightening sometimes to think that, after nearly 10 months of study, I’m still so far away from fluency – from being able to sit down over coffee and read the newpaper in Japanese. Right now it takes me an hour and a half with my kanji dictionary to read one article. Heck, we don’t even have to be that ambitious; I had to study to go get a haircut!

Someone once told me that, when learning a foreign language, there comes a time when you crest the mountain and are able to pick things up at a much faster pace. I took this to heart and made it my goal to climb the mountain in order to secure my path to fluency. But every time I think I’ve reached top, I come to realize that the summit still lies far above. I’m seriously beginning to doubt that such a point exists. Perhaps in learning Japanese the summit of the mountain is fluency. In the end it is of little consequence – my eyes are still on the summit and my legs are still strong (forgive me for carrying out my metaphor to the bitter end).

But my language studies have done more than simply teach me Japanese, they’ve challenged me to make every day a learning experience and to look more closely at the world around me; to consider more carefully my interactions with others and to open my eyes to another culture that, I have come to realize, I had not truly understood, even on a basic level. In fact, still don’t think I’ve chipped off much of that iceberg! I’ve also made many wonderful new friends in my travels and studies. Before last August I could never have imagined the diverse group of people I’ve been fortunate enough to meet. I become more aware every day that there are kind people to be found all over the world...and at home as well. As other people reach out to me in kindness, I feel that, not only do I want to reciprocate that gesture, I want to do the same thing for new people.

When I say “struggle”, perhaps that creates a negative image in your head; that would be a grave misunderstanding. But learning Japanese has been, and continues to be, a struggle – a struggle against myself, against my own laziness, fear and pride. It has also been an adventure. I look forward to what it will send my way in the future.