My time in Japan has led to the acceleration of many changes in my life. I think that, no matter how this last month goes, I will come away a stronger and more adult person.
Throughout college I've gradually come to some realizations that may or may not be true. When I entered college I was a very innocent person. I was ignorant of many things and timid in many ways. In many ways those "deficiencies" made up the person I was.
For one thing I was under the impression that I could get away with being just an intellectual. All throughout school the thing I relied on most was my intelligence. I prided myself on the prestige that it could bring to me. If my notion of myself as an intellectual had been shattered in those early days, I would have had a lot of trouble. Now, this is not to say that my friends liked me because I was smart...I don't even think I thought that. But what I am saying is that it's the only thing I considered worthwhile about myself. I saw myself as being kind and smart, but also uncool, timid, and fat. Kind doesn't put food on the table, so smart got all of the credit.
College, over time, defeated in me the notion that I was a person for whom "intelligent" could serve as an acceptable label. I began to realize that a good portion of my success was actually because I cared about people and generally tried to think about their needs and situations. I also realized that making and sticking to goals is a huge part of succeeding. I'm probably in the lower half of all engineers in pure intelligence and work ethic, but I'm not quitting, so I'll make it.
Also, before coming to college I believe (and now comes the part where I admit that hindsight isn't really 20/20) that I honestly saw all people in the same way. I treated everyone equally and I wanted to apply my standards to everyone. I'm not saying that I don't still believe that everyone deserves the same rights and respect, but I am saying that not everyone can be treated the same way.
Allow me to clarify that previous point. Now, as most of you know, I've had a pretty tight-knit group of friends for most of my life, one way or another. Among these friends there were both boys and girls. I had always felt that the gender of my friends is 100% irrelevant. I told the same secrets and talked the same way to everyone. Even when my mother objected to us all spending the night together as a group, I never understood the reasons for her feelings. It was a complete non-issue.
In college, one of my classes was Human Diversity. It was here that I was informed of my misunderstanding. A question was posed to the class: Do you tell the same secrets to your friends who are girls as the friends who are guys (or something to that effect)? For me the answer was an obvious and resounding "Yes!" I was shocked when I was literally the only person who answered that way. I had never perceived that things should be otherwise. What assumptions of mine were incorrect? The girls didn't trust their guys friends to understand their true feelings and problems because they have totally different life experiences. Many guys would never feel comfortable opening up to a girl for fear of appearing weak. It became obvious that I was oblivious to many things. Neither of those points and the countless other reasons ever occurred to me.
Later in college, I realized that this carried over into other areas. I didn't tone things down for anyone; appropriate behavior dictates that I be more careful around certain people. I've since been told that, because of my style of conversation, some people feel intimidated by me - "I'm speaking too much like an intellectual". Other people have told me that I need to hold back on my willingness to debate a point - even when I think I'm being friendly and engaging in a grand conversation. I never mean to alienate anyone - I want to know what they think and why they think it. I want to make myself understood. But to truly be understood, I must consider the receiver more carefully. My one-size-fits-all philosophy, although perhaps beautiful for its zealous egalitarianism and praised by my more like-minded friends is, quite simply, not the best route.
All of this came to a head with a relationship I had in college. I not going to name names though. But, as I tried to understand this person and the way they responded to me, I realized that my usual straightforward style simply wouldn't cut it...and sometimes there are things that, although not really impolite or socially unacceptable, you simply just don't say. The whole "Men are from Mars, women are from Venus" schtick, which I had for the longest time considered antiquated and anti-equality, actually had a grain of truth to it. This was a hard pill to swallow.
Coming to Japan has also taught me to value my physical appearance more. Since my middle school days I'd pretty much given up on being at all good looking or physically fit (to a point). I'd been made fun of so much about my weight that I considered it a lost cause; something I had to compensate for but could do nothing about. In that same vein, I disregarded fashion as something beyond my comprehension. I sometimes even took pride in having no fashion sense, seeing it as a reflection of my transcendence above such follies. The only time I ever wanted to look good was the summer of 2005-before and after that I had no motivation.
Only now am I realizing how much this has been a foolish path. A friend of my boss' admitted to me Sunday night that, upon meeting me, he judged me as a "round" person. In that way, I was seen as somewhat "dull". But now that I've lost some weight he sees me as a "sharp" person. Much more competent. Even one of my closest friends, Ryan, although he would never admit it about me, has commented how a classmate who was such a "butterball" at the beginning of college had really gotten things together. How do you think I sit on that rubric? Does it really not matter to you?
Also, being in Tokyo has truly made me notice how much effort some people put into their clothing. The old saying "Clothes make the man" always meant to me, "dress well to look professional". As long as I looked professional and clean, I'd be in the clear. Not truly. Most people judge you on how you dress and your physical appearance, almost immediately after they see you. To be more accepted I have to have more style. Look at my friends - they all have a style. What's mine? The no style style. That can't cut it.
I've never been successful with women. Now, I am 90% sure it isn't really about "confidence"; it's about how I present myself. The confidence stuff is a euphemism. It isn't the posture and talk; it's a presence that is strongly influenced by physical fitness and fashion. A dear friend of mine - a genuine, intelligent, and kind person, was actually turned down by a girl, in her own words, because he is "overweight". Her loss, right? Yes, but that's not much of a consolation to my friend. You see it everywhere. I was willfully blind for a long time - now I'm determined not to fall under that umbrella anymore.
Some of you reading this might be unhappy with this post. I envision thoughts like, "When did Jacob get so vain?"; "Man, he sure is jaded"; "What, you don't think of all people equally anymore!?" (not true in the way you mean it); "Is he depressed? Where did this come from?"...you get the picture. But I don't think any of these thoughts are true...except maybe the second one. I love my friends in the same way, and the close ones are still in a circle above the general populace...but I recognize that all people aren't going to connect with me in the same way. I'm not out to judge people and I'm not condemning anyone either. In the end, I ask you to not take anything I say here in the wrong way; please judge me by the way I treat you. This is just a slight shift in the way I see the world. Hopefully, it will bring me health, fulfillment, and further growth.
At the same time, I'm interested in your thoughts. Vigorous debate is still something I enjoy. Then again, I bet 5 people at max read this blog. Cheers.
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2 comments:
Well, there was certainly a lot to this post. My apologies for not reading it sooner... my own infrequency of posting, and the infrequency of anyone's these days it seems, made me pretty much forget about it until you said something in class the other day.
I don't think I really have any great insights for you, but this was an interesting read. Regarding the question in your Human Diversity class: I share different things with different people, but I don't think gender matters much-- rather, what I share depends individually on the type/quality of the relationship.
I would agree that your more "intellectual" style of conversation doesn't suit everyone, though. Which isn't to say you need to stop conversing that way, but I think it's good that you are aware that the whole one-size-fits-all convention doesn't cut it (I think that's what you called it).
As for my thoughts on the women bit (and please don't take this the wrong way, either, it's just a vague impression of mine): You seem in this post to think that physical fitness and fashion play a large role. I won't tell you that those factors don't matter because I think you'd know I was bullshitting, but I think what matters more is your style of interacting. You're not like the typical college-aged guy; you talk and conduct yourself more maturely, and the majority of college-aged girls don't click with that. Granted, I haven't spent much (if any) time around you when you're with a girl you like, but for some reason I can't see you behaving around her much differently than you do with others-- correct me if I'm wrong. I've always gathered that you prefer meaningful conversation and debate over small talk and chat-chat, but what then doesn't exist is the lightheartedness and flirtatiousness that girls our age look for as tell-tale signs of attraction. I dunno. It's always been my opinion that you'll be more successful in the post-college years...when women start valuing your maturity over the boyish charm they once sought in others.
I used to have a friend that felt similarly to you (I think) and a girl rejected him once with something like "you'd be the perfect husband, but you're not someone I can date". Doesn't make much sense, I know, but do women ever? Haha... only kidding. Kindof :-)
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