Sunday, October 21, 2007
Maybe I Wouldn't Like Death If Death Were Good
A song based on the poem "Dying Is Fine" by ee Cummings.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
Thoughts Under a Pine Tree
Yesterday I participated in my first ever "Retreat". I've refrained from such behavior in the past for several reasons, the least of which certainly not being the fact that I've never been seriously invited. Anyway, this retreat was sure to be less awkward than most because it was a UC chorus retreat; that is to say, there were no "strings" attached to my attendance. We'll not get into that though.
I was actually really looking forward to it until Friday (the day before the retreat) when it finally dawned on me that I'd be spending a whole day with strangers, playing games that I have never enjoyed in my life, and hopefully singing. I love singing and I hoped to meet new people, so it wasn't as if I was dreading it...but I began to realize what my situation really was.
Anyway, I went on the retreat. There were a good deal of grand moments: the whole combined choirs randomly doing the wave or breaking out into a rendition of "We Will Rock You", Bohemian Rhapsody with the guys around the piano, or singing Rocky Horror with Kyle (who is an understudy for Rif Raf at the local production)...and of course the rehearsal. However, at the end of the day I just felt unhappy.
After all the singing and games were done and we were almost ready to leave, everyone ran out to do their random fun things...I sat under a pine tree and tried to gather my thoughts on life and myself. I'll try to write it out here because it philosophical enough not to be simply depressing.
The scene was this: I quickly left the building where we had been playing a game and sat under a tree. I watched the crowd of people leave the building, marking each group in my mind. I saw new friends walking together, people on cell phones tied to people back home, a few loners looking for someone to talk to but heading in the same direction as everyone else, and even a few couples, obviously enjoying themselves. Finally, my friend Kyle walked out...pretty much last. He walks over to my tree and we have a short exchange...I'm pretty sure he wanted me to follow him over there to the rest of the people, "I'm going to try to get a better seat on the bus this time." "I'm just going to chill here, man. I'll see you later." And he walked away. I was alone with the ants and the pine needles. The piano sung and I wondered who was playing it but at last my thoughts found a spot to wander to and as I picked apart the dead needles, I was lost in thought.
Initially, I thought about the nature of destruction and creation as I broke apart the pine needles. Was I destroying something? Or was I creating something new by breaking the dead needles into smaller pieces? If nothing is ever truly lost, can anything really be destroyed? Doesn't that mean that creation and destruction are simply human labels brought about by our perspective of the universe? I thought about the nature of death as I gazed out at the dead grass surrounding the tree truck...brought to ruin by a lack of water and the ant colony below me. No one mourns a blade of grass, or a cow...and yet they die as well. What does it mean to be alive? Everything comes from the closeness and attachment that we ourselves choose to have for someone or something. Anything can be something or nothing, created or destroyed, worth mourning for, if only we choose to make it so.
My next thought was about my own behavior. I began to wonder why I have so much trouble in these social settings. I mean, I enjoyed being with the new friends I had made, but when it came to the large group social games or playing sports with the people...I just felt really negative about it and even depressed. I didn't want to do those things...most of them seemed pointless and silly. I love doing that sort of thing with my friends...but with random people it doesn't work. I looked back and saw myself letting myself lose out of the game early and watching the people playing. I put a fake smile on my face so I wouldn't look like a jerk. I saw people laughing together at pretty much nothing, guys and girls flirting like crazy, and completely off the wall behavior. I thought to myself that that's how I should be acting...but here's the crux of my train of thought: that sort of behavior is not who I am and even if I make a friend or find a girl interested in me by doing that sort of thing, I'm lying to them by doing it.
That's a big part of the problem. I don't ever want to lie with actions, words, or even thoughts to anyone, especially myself. I can't do the normal human thing and just go with the flow. I can't even pretend to like playing "Two People Talking, Three People Rowing" for the purpose of making new friends. As I saw it, these people were competing through action...and I was on the losing end because I wouldn't fight.
I have always hoped that one day I'd find someone who really just liked me for who I am, for my idle self...not who I can force myself to be. I'm beginning to think that isn't how the world works. I wonder if it makes me arrogant. Do I not compete because I think I'm better than everyone else; do I think I deserve more? Not consciously at least...otherwise I wouldn't feel how I so often feel. But at the same time, by acting differently than other people, I set myself up for failure...and so I fail every time.
I like to think that a person can lead without force and competitiveness, but with kindness and determination, and that a person can socialize without losing a sense of serious meaningful interaction. Perhaps the really meaningful interactions are the ones I dislike...I have never been so vain as to think that my priorities are how things should be. But I can't stop being myself.
I got up from the ground, walked to the bus, and sat in silence the entire trip back. I didn't regret going, or acting the way I did. I certainly didn't shrug anyone off. But I did wish I was different...that I could simply choose to be the guy telling the jokes and playing all the games. But no. I'm the guy with the sunglasses on who thinks too much about what it means to be honest with yourself. Maybe honesty is just another lie I tell myself...only time will tell.
But hey, Saturday night was awesome. I spent a lot of good times with the people I knew and enjoyed every minute of it...so I can't be totally off my rocker, right? Cheers, gypsies.
I was actually really looking forward to it until Friday (the day before the retreat) when it finally dawned on me that I'd be spending a whole day with strangers, playing games that I have never enjoyed in my life, and hopefully singing. I love singing and I hoped to meet new people, so it wasn't as if I was dreading it...but I began to realize what my situation really was.
Anyway, I went on the retreat. There were a good deal of grand moments: the whole combined choirs randomly doing the wave or breaking out into a rendition of "We Will Rock You", Bohemian Rhapsody with the guys around the piano, or singing Rocky Horror with Kyle (who is an understudy for Rif Raf at the local production)...and of course the rehearsal. However, at the end of the day I just felt unhappy.
After all the singing and games were done and we were almost ready to leave, everyone ran out to do their random fun things...I sat under a pine tree and tried to gather my thoughts on life and myself. I'll try to write it out here because it philosophical enough not to be simply depressing.
The scene was this: I quickly left the building where we had been playing a game and sat under a tree. I watched the crowd of people leave the building, marking each group in my mind. I saw new friends walking together, people on cell phones tied to people back home, a few loners looking for someone to talk to but heading in the same direction as everyone else, and even a few couples, obviously enjoying themselves. Finally, my friend Kyle walked out...pretty much last. He walks over to my tree and we have a short exchange...I'm pretty sure he wanted me to follow him over there to the rest of the people, "I'm going to try to get a better seat on the bus this time." "I'm just going to chill here, man. I'll see you later." And he walked away. I was alone with the ants and the pine needles. The piano sung and I wondered who was playing it but at last my thoughts found a spot to wander to and as I picked apart the dead needles, I was lost in thought.
Initially, I thought about the nature of destruction and creation as I broke apart the pine needles. Was I destroying something? Or was I creating something new by breaking the dead needles into smaller pieces? If nothing is ever truly lost, can anything really be destroyed? Doesn't that mean that creation and destruction are simply human labels brought about by our perspective of the universe? I thought about the nature of death as I gazed out at the dead grass surrounding the tree truck...brought to ruin by a lack of water and the ant colony below me. No one mourns a blade of grass, or a cow...and yet they die as well. What does it mean to be alive? Everything comes from the closeness and attachment that we ourselves choose to have for someone or something. Anything can be something or nothing, created or destroyed, worth mourning for, if only we choose to make it so.
My next thought was about my own behavior. I began to wonder why I have so much trouble in these social settings. I mean, I enjoyed being with the new friends I had made, but when it came to the large group social games or playing sports with the people...I just felt really negative about it and even depressed. I didn't want to do those things...most of them seemed pointless and silly. I love doing that sort of thing with my friends...but with random people it doesn't work. I looked back and saw myself letting myself lose out of the game early and watching the people playing. I put a fake smile on my face so I wouldn't look like a jerk. I saw people laughing together at pretty much nothing, guys and girls flirting like crazy, and completely off the wall behavior. I thought to myself that that's how I should be acting...but here's the crux of my train of thought: that sort of behavior is not who I am and even if I make a friend or find a girl interested in me by doing that sort of thing, I'm lying to them by doing it.
That's a big part of the problem. I don't ever want to lie with actions, words, or even thoughts to anyone, especially myself. I can't do the normal human thing and just go with the flow. I can't even pretend to like playing "Two People Talking, Three People Rowing" for the purpose of making new friends. As I saw it, these people were competing through action...and I was on the losing end because I wouldn't fight.
I have always hoped that one day I'd find someone who really just liked me for who I am, for my idle self...not who I can force myself to be. I'm beginning to think that isn't how the world works. I wonder if it makes me arrogant. Do I not compete because I think I'm better than everyone else; do I think I deserve more? Not consciously at least...otherwise I wouldn't feel how I so often feel. But at the same time, by acting differently than other people, I set myself up for failure...and so I fail every time.
I like to think that a person can lead without force and competitiveness, but with kindness and determination, and that a person can socialize without losing a sense of serious meaningful interaction. Perhaps the really meaningful interactions are the ones I dislike...I have never been so vain as to think that my priorities are how things should be. But I can't stop being myself.
I got up from the ground, walked to the bus, and sat in silence the entire trip back. I didn't regret going, or acting the way I did. I certainly didn't shrug anyone off. But I did wish I was different...that I could simply choose to be the guy telling the jokes and playing all the games. But no. I'm the guy with the sunglasses on who thinks too much about what it means to be honest with yourself. Maybe honesty is just another lie I tell myself...only time will tell.
But hey, Saturday night was awesome. I spent a lot of good times with the people I knew and enjoyed every minute of it...so I can't be totally off my rocker, right? Cheers, gypsies.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Our Thoughts Were So Loud...
Today was...or rather, is, my last day truly living at home. From tomorrow onward I will be in constant transit until the day I find my own place. Last year I didn't really feel sad leaving. In fact, I was quite glad to be leaving. However, last year I knew that I'd return home this summer to the same place. This year is a different story. For those of you who don't know, I will not have another summer break in college. The University of Cincinnati College of Engineering has created a program featuring alternating quarters of co-op and study following the freshman year. Of course, my program will be interrupted in two or so years to allow me to study abroad, but that doesn't change the effect it will have. From now until I graduate I'm going to be in transit.
I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm not worried about losing my friends or family. I know that no matter where I go the people who care about me and that I care about will be able to contact me and vice versa. I'll also still have occasional holiday breaks to spend with people, so you can't forget about me...heck, I may even get a co-op in town and nothing will seem too different...it's just that I'm really going to have to take this big flying leap with the way I view my life.
I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm not worried about losing my friends or family. I know that no matter where I go the people who care about me and that I care about will be able to contact me and vice versa. I'll also still have occasional holiday breaks to spend with people, so you can't forget about me...heck, I may even get a co-op in town and nothing will seem too different...it's just that I'm really going to have to take this big flying leap with the way I view my life.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
While We're on the Subject Could We Change the Subject Now
Alright, here's the final list for those of you who have wondered about it even a little bit.
1. Going on a roadtrip to North Carolina with my friends.
2. Working hard on my engineering job.
3. Not stressing to much about life.
4. Go to Triumph LARP events as much as possible.
5. Learn more Japanese.
6. Read the last Harry Potter book.
7. Start a consistent work-out plan.
8. Go on a diet.
9. Hang out with people I haven't seen nearly enough.
10. Take a Saturday to walk somewhere really far away.
11. Write a decent poem again (have I ever done that)?
12. Go to an awesome concert.
13. Eat at the Cheese Cake Factory with Becca.
14. Visit Jessi up north again.
15. Get sweet new glasses.
16. Play some video games and maybe get a DS.
17. Read something by Pullman or Harris.
18. Spend time in Yellow Springs.
19. Hug someone.
20. Turn 20. Amazing, eh?
21. Enjoy the 4th of July like I did when I was a kid. (These days I just wish I was watching the fireworks with someone.
22. Train up to heavy on DDR.
23. (my lucky number) See a couple Reds games, even though they aren't doing so hot.
24. Surprise someone.
25. Buy a sweet DVD.
26. Find something.
14/26 Not bad, honestly.
1. Going on a roadtrip to North Carolina with my friends.
2. Working hard on my engineering job.
3. Not stressing to much about life.
4. Go to Triumph LARP events as much as possible.
5. Learn more Japanese.
6. Read the last Harry Potter book.
7. Start a consistent work-out plan.
8. Go on a diet.
9. Hang out with people I haven't seen nearly enough.
10. Take a Saturday to walk somewhere really far away.
11. Write a decent poem again (have I ever done that)?
12. Go to an awesome concert.
13. Eat at the Cheese Cake Factory with Becca.
14. Visit Jessi up north again.
15. Get sweet new glasses.
16. Play some video games and maybe get a DS.
17. Read something by Pullman or Harris.
18. Spend time in Yellow Springs.
19. Hug someone.
20. Turn 20. Amazing, eh?
21. Enjoy the 4th of July like I did when I was a kid. (These days I just wish I was watching the fireworks with someone.
22. Train up to heavy on DDR.
23. (my lucky number) See a couple Reds games, even though they aren't doing so hot.
24. Surprise someone.
25. Buy a sweet DVD.
26. Find something.
14/26 Not bad, honestly.
Thursday, September 6, 2007
My Oddly Specific Dream
In this particular dream I was a US Army Capt. serving with British troops in the Asian theater sometime in the late 1990's (I'm assuming an alternate universe and by this I mean the dream was not based on something that could have happened in the real world). I led my group on the battlefield against an international force, eventually running into a Thai brigade near a rock ledge. Using pincer tactics to corner them and separate them from the main enemy force I began to personally engage the enemy. After a short battle I determined that a large majority of the party were non-combatants of a diplomatic nature and refused to raise arms against them. However, a middle-aged Thai soldier challenged me to a duel to maintain honor after my choice not to slay non-combatants. I accepted the challenge so as not to lose face with my troops and to show respect to my enemy. After speaking with the British High Command I was granted permission to duel and I removed the majority of my gear to increase mobility. The Thai soldier informed me that he only had one proper dueling pistol and that I would be permitted to use my personal side-arm. At this point I tested my weapon and found it was jammed. I quickly remedied this, but took note that had I not had the opportunity, my life would have almost certainly been forfeit. Before the duel was to begin, I reflected on the fact that this was my second duel, the first being a victory against someone back home. I then told my Commander, who was supervising the duel, to be sure to give my sword to Chris Fisher if I should fall (weird, eh...I think in the dream it had been a gift from him) and all of my other possessions, excluding the non-sensitive documents I was transporting, would be passed to the victor. The Thai soldier agreed to this and we took position, back to back, and began the standard ten paces forward...I was confident I could win.
Then I woke up to the sound of my cellphone alarm. The dream was oddly specific and still fresh in my mind so I decided to write it down.
Then I woke up to the sound of my cellphone alarm. The dream was oddly specific and still fresh in my mind so I decided to write it down.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Mr. Mathers Tries to Be Useful
So yeah, as is often the case I'll start this entry with an apology that it is the first one in such a long time. It's not even that I haven't had much to say, simply that I haven't had the time to say it...or the drive to actually get on my laptop.
Randomness. As I type this entry I am reminded of vanilla scented candles. I don't really like them all that much, but the occasional whiff is satisfying. Right now I feel as if I'm just about to smell one...like it is right in front of me. It makes me think about family. Vanilla scented candles=family. Not quite, but I'm telling it like it is.
I've been fortunate of late to hang out with a lot of great people. Lindsey K is perhaps the most surprising of these. I hung out with her and a lot of other people Friday night. Sorry pool-party peeps. It was a lot of fun for me, running around in a field (we played flashlight tag)...I never do things like that anymore. However, it just surprised me how very kind Lindsey was to me. Apparently, I'm held in rather high regard by her. Frankly, it shocked me to be thought so highly of by a person who almost never hangs out with me. I can't say it was a confidence boost though, because I can't convince it wasn't just the politeness that a great person must possess, but man, it sure made my night.
Today is Benson's birthday...it is also my brother's birthday. What's funny is that his brother's birthday is on my birthday. I would say that we've laughed about this coincidence but I can't recall how he took it. Happy birthday to the both of them anyway.
Speaking of birthdays, mine is on the horizon. Traditionally, I dislike my birthday very much. The past two have been exceptional though, thanks to the efforts of my awesome friends...perhaps my position needs to be reevaluated. We shall see. This year I definitely still want to do something...I mean, I am turning 20. Of course, it isn't 21, but whatever. I'm going to allow myself a small amount of bitterness for still being single at 20 (of course, I'm not quite there yet), but as I told Randy last night, it isn't as if I didn't see it coming.
I was bitten by a large black dog while I was on a walk with Tori Monday. It has caused me an amazing amount of grief for such a small bite. The police, doctors, and many other such creatures have been forced upon me...it isn't even that bad. Better safe than sorry though, I suppose. I'm on amoxicillin, had a tetanus shot, and filed a police report since the attack was near a school and totally unprovoked. The beast jumped halfway over a fence to bite me. Sheesh, if only some other people wanted to get at me so badly!
On a more productive note, as this blog is supposed to present more lofty concepts than my mundane life can provide, I'll emerge from this entry long digression to say something more abstract. That is simply this: over the past few days I have done a good deal of running around just trying to find a reason to be running around. This is a poor way to live one's life. I should try to make something happen directly, not simply drive around half-expecting that whatever I'm hoping for finds me.
Anyway, I'll work on it.
Cheers then. Best wishes.
Randomness. As I type this entry I am reminded of vanilla scented candles. I don't really like them all that much, but the occasional whiff is satisfying. Right now I feel as if I'm just about to smell one...like it is right in front of me. It makes me think about family. Vanilla scented candles=family. Not quite, but I'm telling it like it is.
I've been fortunate of late to hang out with a lot of great people. Lindsey K is perhaps the most surprising of these. I hung out with her and a lot of other people Friday night. Sorry pool-party peeps. It was a lot of fun for me, running around in a field (we played flashlight tag)...I never do things like that anymore. However, it just surprised me how very kind Lindsey was to me. Apparently, I'm held in rather high regard by her. Frankly, it shocked me to be thought so highly of by a person who almost never hangs out with me. I can't say it was a confidence boost though, because I can't convince it wasn't just the politeness that a great person must possess, but man, it sure made my night.
Today is Benson's birthday...it is also my brother's birthday. What's funny is that his brother's birthday is on my birthday. I would say that we've laughed about this coincidence but I can't recall how he took it. Happy birthday to the both of them anyway.
Speaking of birthdays, mine is on the horizon. Traditionally, I dislike my birthday very much. The past two have been exceptional though, thanks to the efforts of my awesome friends...perhaps my position needs to be reevaluated. We shall see. This year I definitely still want to do something...I mean, I am turning 20. Of course, it isn't 21, but whatever. I'm going to allow myself a small amount of bitterness for still being single at 20 (of course, I'm not quite there yet), but as I told Randy last night, it isn't as if I didn't see it coming.
I was bitten by a large black dog while I was on a walk with Tori Monday. It has caused me an amazing amount of grief for such a small bite. The police, doctors, and many other such creatures have been forced upon me...it isn't even that bad. Better safe than sorry though, I suppose. I'm on amoxicillin, had a tetanus shot, and filed a police report since the attack was near a school and totally unprovoked. The beast jumped halfway over a fence to bite me. Sheesh, if only some other people wanted to get at me so badly!
On a more productive note, as this blog is supposed to present more lofty concepts than my mundane life can provide, I'll emerge from this entry long digression to say something more abstract. That is simply this: over the past few days I have done a good deal of running around just trying to find a reason to be running around. This is a poor way to live one's life. I should try to make something happen directly, not simply drive around half-expecting that whatever I'm hoping for finds me.
Anyway, I'll work on it.
Cheers then. Best wishes.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Sensations
I really can't do too much with the entry tonight as I am dead tired. However, I felt compelled to mention a facet of my existence that I find interesting. I frequently find myself in a state of disbelief.
This is not to say that I am shocked at particularly improbable or extraordinary things, I just often find myself feeling something like "Wow. How can that be?" Strange, eh? I'll give you a few examples. Last night while I was running along the bike path, I was struck by the rhythm of my breathing, the pain in my legs and chest, the smell of the river and the trees, and the feeling of the wind on my face...and my mind just sort of hit a wall and was like..."Sweet...how amazing is this?" It was totally unexpected and involuntary, which is splendid. Soon afterward my cellphone rang (also surprising). I couldn't pick it up for several reasons. First, it would interrupt my run and I was almost to the 1.5 mile mark so I could not afford that. Second, I was really out of breath and probably could not talk. Finally, I knew by some intuition that it was Jen calling and I could call her back in a moment. But I digress. Another example is when I'm hanging around my friends. All of a sudden I'll just phase out of the picture and think about how great it is to be around them and to have had a past with them...and I just smile on the inside. Part of me can't believe I'm so lucky so I have to analyze it again. The final example is kinda embarrassing...but I'll tell you anyway. I sometimes find myself realizing, never immediately, that someone is very beautiful and I will literally say to myself (and I have said this in my head) "How can someone really be that beautiful!" It's not like I'm saying it to indicate how grand they look...but that I actually can't believe they are so...radiant. I'm just struck by it and it takes me a minute to realize I've wandered. I do not have lewd thoughts after that, for your information, I usually just try to blend back into where I left off. It is mentally amusing for me to look back on these moments. Hmm, perhaps many people have these moments.
Have a nice night, folks. Sorry if this was boring.
This is not to say that I am shocked at particularly improbable or extraordinary things, I just often find myself feeling something like "Wow. How can that be?" Strange, eh? I'll give you a few examples. Last night while I was running along the bike path, I was struck by the rhythm of my breathing, the pain in my legs and chest, the smell of the river and the trees, and the feeling of the wind on my face...and my mind just sort of hit a wall and was like..."Sweet...how amazing is this?" It was totally unexpected and involuntary, which is splendid. Soon afterward my cellphone rang (also surprising). I couldn't pick it up for several reasons. First, it would interrupt my run and I was almost to the 1.5 mile mark so I could not afford that. Second, I was really out of breath and probably could not talk. Finally, I knew by some intuition that it was Jen calling and I could call her back in a moment. But I digress. Another example is when I'm hanging around my friends. All of a sudden I'll just phase out of the picture and think about how great it is to be around them and to have had a past with them...and I just smile on the inside. Part of me can't believe I'm so lucky so I have to analyze it again. The final example is kinda embarrassing...but I'll tell you anyway. I sometimes find myself realizing, never immediately, that someone is very beautiful and I will literally say to myself (and I have said this in my head) "How can someone really be that beautiful!" It's not like I'm saying it to indicate how grand they look...but that I actually can't believe they are so...radiant. I'm just struck by it and it takes me a minute to realize I've wandered. I do not have lewd thoughts after that, for your information, I usually just try to blend back into where I left off. It is mentally amusing for me to look back on these moments. Hmm, perhaps many people have these moments.
Have a nice night, folks. Sorry if this was boring.
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