Don't Come Back

Long time no talk (or at least legitimate talk), comrades. I've been making excuses and actually even took down a blog post that I didn't feel happy with in the long break between my entries (I suppose I'll put it back up because Jess seemed to think it was okay). I'm sure no one waits with bated breath for these things, but I still feel a little guilty about neglecting this project of mine.

Anyway, to establish a setting I'm living in Parkersburg, West Virginia and I work in Belpre, Ohio at Kraton Polymers Belpre Elastomer Plant. Fun fact, we're named after the god of strength. My job takes me out in the field some days and on the computer entering or analyzing data on others. It's pretty epic. I cook all of my own food and take care of myself nearly completely. That's a first for me. Being away everyone I know has been a little trying at times. There have been lonely nights. But overall it has been a great experience so far. I'm truly living my own life here. I'd like to highlight my trip to Athens two weekends ago to visit Tori and see Jess (who was also visiting)...and also other Jess, Tori's roommate with whom I have, as I often say of late, "infinite common interest". That was great times. I absolutely love Athens. It has a lot of unique places to shop and eat as well as a laid-back atmosphere I appreciate to no end. Not to mention it was the first time I had seen any of my old friends in a good while. I won't go into all of the lovely details for fear of boring you, but it should be known that I plan on visiting Tori and Athens again soon.

I suppose it would be prudent of me to take time out to mention that I'm not totally alone in Parkersburg. I have two other co-ops living across the hall from me to keep me company, Kirby and Lendell. Very interesting fellows indeed. Kirby and I share an office and carpool to work. He is a thoroughly enjoyable new comrade. Lendell sticks more to himself but is a friendly fellow. I'm quite glad that I'm not totally alone here. Of course that's not to imply I've been a state of communications blackout. Now that I have the Internet (it did take two weeks from when I moved in) I can chat with my friends (and post on my blog). However, I'm very thankful for the phone calls from my friends (particularly Jennifer who calls me often), they really help me make it through the week. David also deserves a lot of credit for actually writing me a letter; cheers to that. I only wish I could talk to and see all of my friends. But that's simply not happening at the moment.

Anyway, what really compelled me to write this blog post was an experience I had today. As some of you may know, I tutor at the local junior high every other week as a Kraton community outreach representative. Everyone who hears about this is always surprised for some reason. Whatever. Well, today was tutoring day and I was assigned to work with a very interesting 8th grader who was attempting to master the art of percents. Well, he was having a lot of problems. But I introduced myself to him at sat down to try to work through things with him. He had a few of his assigned problems copied down from the board, but they were not numbered correctly and illegible (at least to me), so I endeavored to explain the concepts to him without worrying about his previous work. I worked with him for a solid hour and it still seemed like he wasn't getting things. But at the last minute I think I got him to understand the basic formula that he was dealing with. (To teach these kids about percents they use the formula: Change/Original = %/100) For some reason, the poor kid just couldn't get it into his head...at least until the end.

Almost a complete loss...that's what you're thinking, right? That's not how I felt. This kid talked to me in a way he couldn't talk to his teacher. He told me how he didn't get it but wanted to. How he was sick this weekend and today but couldn't stay home. How he hated that his teacher treated him like a child. And how the methods used by the teacher to solve problems felt not like learning a concept, but simply memorizing a formula. This kid was critical of the teaching methods he was being subjected to. I told him sometimes you just had to get things done how they had to be done and move on, regardless of true learning and understanding. He said to me, "Isn't [learning] what math is about? Isn't it what life is about?" Maybe I'm a sentimental fool but I think this kid, despite his flaws, was really fairly intelligent. I'm willing to paint him a victim of our factory-line style of education. He didn't learn like the other kids and as a result he didn't feel like making an effort anymore. But when I sat down with him, really talked to him, worked with him as an equal to further his understanding...he truly responded and tried. From what his teacher told me that's something he hardly ever does nowadays.

I don't blame his teacher at all. We had a talk after class about the student. She recognized his potential and tried every trick she knew to get him to work with her...but a teacher in a standard staff position can't help a kid like this. She has to focus on the broader spectrum and on achieving state mandated goals. She must tailor to the masses. My friends, this kid needed real individual attention, someone to level with him and work to find how he learns best. From here out I can only hope things work out for him in the future...but for a little while I was able to help. It was amazing.

But really, the experience got me thinking. I could handle being a teacher. In fact, given the proper tools and space, I could probably be decent at it. And I think that there's no more noble a way than teaching kids to leave your mark on the world and influence the future in a positive way. *sigh* Another life I'll never live.

It's not that bad though. When I truly put it to mind, I can be everything I want to be in one life. Engineer by trade. Singer in my heart. Teacher to my children. Philosopher and poet among my friends and in my free time. Linguist in my travels. Actor on the stage we call life.

Who can complain about a fate like that?

Slight Delay

I wrote something for you all tonight, but it seemed a little pretentious. I didn't like the way it sounded. So I'm sorry, but you'll all just have to wait for the weekend and a better post. Cheers.

I Tried to Be, But I'm Not

I guess this entry has been both a long time coming and both a new revelation. Today my new friend Kirby asked me quite directly why I was in the engineering field. I thought I knew generally why he asked, but I asked him anyway. He said that in many ways the way I present myself leads him to believe that I'm more of a liberal arts sorta guy. He said it was mostly the way I talked and the things I talked about. It may seem strange, but I was flattered. In some ways that is the person I want to be seen as: a liberal arts kinda guy who is successful as an engineer (forgive me if it seems I'm giving myself too much credit). I was fairly happy that someone I had only recently come into contact with got a similar feeling about me. But his question got me thinking about things again.

This is really one of my essential dilemmas. In many ways I feel a major (and subsequently, with any luck, a career) in the liberal arts would be much more suited to my needs and desires as an individual...and indeed, many of my friends from high school have chosen to take paths of that general nature. I won't lie and tell you that on certain occasions I don't envy them on some level. I could have taken that route; I still could. On many I have no doubt it would provide great satisfaction for me if I did take that path.

But I'm not going to go that way, folks (though I still plan on furthering myself in such areas for years to come). I chose my major and future career for several good reasons that continue to hold true. The reason I answered Kirby with is that I recognize that I do have some talent in engineering and I think I could do the most to positively influence the world and the future by pursuing that part of myself. I truly want to work on something that will make life better for the people around me in a significant manner. I want to do as much for the world and for people as I can, while I can. No offense to anyone, but I just don't feel that if I pursued a career in language, literature, or philosophy (which would, in some way, shape, or form be my choice of a more liberal arts oriented degree) I could do as much to help people. Maybe that's a delusion, but it's my delusion.

"Bright shiny futures are overrated anyway."

Perhaps it's time we had another little chat. I think I have some things I need to say...just don't get too excited. I'll refrain from typing it all right away so that I can make it more respectable for you all. Also, it may be time I finally reevaluated my own priorities.

Edit the Sad Parts

The autumn quarter is behind me. I guess it'd be appropriate to reminisce about it here.

I came into the quarter looking for a transition from my life as a dependent to a life of greater self-reliance. As I wrote in this blog before I left, I am now officially a man without a real home. My life is now, and will for at least two years to come, be full of many changes. This is because every three months I have to move somewhere else thanks to my school and co-op arrangement.

Anyway, looking back now I can see a few ways I've changed in these past few months. First of all, I've become a lot less of a worrier as a result of my changing perspective on life. I simply don't see the point in devoting any energy to worrying anymore...it does not help me, so I've cut it out of my life. My grades didn't even drop with this perceivable increase in what some might consider apathy. I've also become even more skeptical and less reserved about feeling so. In many ways I can thank the support of my roommate Chris for that...among other things, of course. But I've truly appreciated the feedback I have received from him on the numerous occasions we've engaged in a more lofty dialogue. It makes me feel like I'm making progress towards becoming the man I want to be.

Elizabeth came to college this quarter. I for one thought that was going to be a big deal for me...I was wrong. Perhaps it comes as a result of my increase in "apathy" that this didn't change my habits. I did enjoy having fun times with her around campus on occasion and meeting her roommate (who was really quite nice). Plus, I feel like I was at least somewhat useful to her as a friend. That's all I really wanted anyway. We're cool and I can say that officially.

My quest from romance took an interesting twist this quarter. I didn't really have much time to find someone due to all of the craziness in my life...but there was this girl! I don't think she reads this, but even if she does there's nothing embarrassing to tell and I love being honest with everyone...so here's the scoop. Okay; all of my college friends and I went to a football game together and afterward we met up at a bar (we got pizza, FYI). I was feeling decent, but really laying back and listening to other people talk and things were going well. I was sitting next to Dan in our booth and I noticed that the girl next to him was, well, to my humble eyes, striking. This is somewhat strange because I've never really been one for blonds, despite the old saying. That's not to say I discriminate, it's simply the pattern I've seen in my past behavior. But I digress. Needless to say I tried to talk to her...but she really paid me any mind at all. Who can blame her though, when surrounded by far more interesting and social people than myself? However, I was not to be deterred. As we exited the bar I looked around for her and, lo and behold, she was right next to me! Being the awkward fellow I am I did my standard fake gasp and feigned a great surprise (because I was surprised and wanted her to know that...as well as to catch her eye...I just was not that surprised) to which she responded that she didn't mean to scare me. I, as a further testament to my awkwardness, told her that I had been looking for her. Now she was surprised. I'll digress here to tell you all that she was actually in our group all along (hence her sitting with us) so she and I were walking the same way. Anyway, on the walk back we traded snarky remarks and had a friendly bantered back and forth about life, English, and literature. It really seemed like we were hitting it off. She and I seemed a good deal alike in our conversational style (which if she reads this, she may deny) and our pursuit of some sort of perfection in life. She was a truly bright star. Everyone seemed to notice how we talked to each other too. "Finally", I thought to myself, "I've met a girl at UC who might actually appreciate me for who I am". Things might finally work out! So, after the evening was over, I found her on Facebook and had every intention of asking her out (in person, gypsies!) after a one day grace period. Can you believe that folks? Crazy conservative Jacob, so struck by a woman that'd he'd make the leap so quickly? Amazing, right? For those of you not in the know, it took me a year to ask out my last girlfriend (of course we all know how that turned out). Well, here's the kicker folks, which, if I didn't know better, I'd take as a sign that I'm doomed to be alone -- in that grace day she started going out with another guy, a freshman, who lives in her building. Apparently she'd liked him for a while (Jayna told me that). I was, for lack of a better word, floored. And that was the extent of things. I like to think I'm a gentleman, so I backed off. They're happy, from what I hear. So cheers. And better luck next time.

Back to standard summary mode. I got a co-op job this quarter. I'm assigned to work in Belpre, Ohio, as a Process Engineer in a polymer plant. I will need special safety clothing and am paid quite well. That job certainly solidified my future to some degree. I'm looking forward to working again and living alone in a new city a lot. I can't wait to really manage my own life on my own terms.

Academically, this quarter reaffirmed for me my love of chemistry and my ability to scramble to learn things when the pressure is on (CALCULUS, I'm looking at you) I beasted on the final due some awesome studying and selective memorization. Cheers to that. My GPA was not as high as in the past, but it didn't really fall too far. I think it is within the Standard Deviation, for those of you in the know. So cheers to that.

I was also fortunate to have many friends visit me this quarter. I love it when they come down, despite how stressed it makes me because I don't know what all to do. When it's just me I don't do much so when people visit...I can't think of that many special things to do! I love my friends, so I want them to have the best of times, you know? It is also really grand for my friends from back home to meet my college friends. That's one of my favorite parts. I truly enjoy seeing how two people I esteem highly interact with each other. Perhaps the most successful visit was when Jennifer and Erin came down for a day. They blended perfectly with my college friends and we moved together like a united group. It was like they'd always been there! I think they really enjoyed the visit because of how great the dynamic was...I know I did (among other things, of course).

So this quarter was significant in many ways and it seemed to last forever (much like this post, right dear reader?)...to me at least. I'll try to update again soon because there is a lot more to say. No promises though. Thanks for reading, if you do.

I think I'm attracted to insecurity in an individual as much as anything else. Maybe because I can really empathize with it.

Good Morning

I'll give you all a full report soon.

Maybe I Wouldn't Like Death If Death Were Good

A song based on the poem "Dying Is Fine" by ee Cummings.