Edit the Sad Parts

The autumn quarter is behind me. I guess it'd be appropriate to reminisce about it here.

I came into the quarter looking for a transition from my life as a dependent to a life of greater self-reliance. As I wrote in this blog before I left, I am now officially a man without a real home. My life is now, and will for at least two years to come, be full of many changes. This is because every three months I have to move somewhere else thanks to my school and co-op arrangement.

Anyway, looking back now I can see a few ways I've changed in these past few months. First of all, I've become a lot less of a worrier as a result of my changing perspective on life. I simply don't see the point in devoting any energy to worrying anymore...it does not help me, so I've cut it out of my life. My grades didn't even drop with this perceivable increase in what some might consider apathy. I've also become even more skeptical and less reserved about feeling so. In many ways I can thank the support of my roommate Chris for that...among other things, of course. But I've truly appreciated the feedback I have received from him on the numerous occasions we've engaged in a more lofty dialogue. It makes me feel like I'm making progress towards becoming the man I want to be.

Elizabeth came to college this quarter. I for one thought that was going to be a big deal for me...I was wrong. Perhaps it comes as a result of my increase in "apathy" that this didn't change my habits. I did enjoy having fun times with her around campus on occasion and meeting her roommate (who was really quite nice). Plus, I feel like I was at least somewhat useful to her as a friend. That's all I really wanted anyway. We're cool and I can say that officially.

My quest from romance took an interesting twist this quarter. I didn't really have much time to find someone due to all of the craziness in my life...but there was this girl! I don't think she reads this, but even if she does there's nothing embarrassing to tell and I love being honest with everyone...so here's the scoop. Okay; all of my college friends and I went to a football game together and afterward we met up at a bar (we got pizza, FYI). I was feeling decent, but really laying back and listening to other people talk and things were going well. I was sitting next to Dan in our booth and I noticed that the girl next to him was, well, to my humble eyes, striking. This is somewhat strange because I've never really been one for blonds, despite the old saying. That's not to say I discriminate, it's simply the pattern I've seen in my past behavior. But I digress. Needless to say I tried to talk to her...but she really paid me any mind at all. Who can blame her though, when surrounded by far more interesting and social people than myself? However, I was not to be deterred. As we exited the bar I looked around for her and, lo and behold, she was right next to me! Being the awkward fellow I am I did my standard fake gasp and feigned a great surprise (because I was surprised and wanted her to know that...as well as to catch her eye...I just was not that surprised) to which she responded that she didn't mean to scare me. I, as a further testament to my awkwardness, told her that I had been looking for her. Now she was surprised. I'll digress here to tell you all that she was actually in our group all along (hence her sitting with us) so she and I were walking the same way. Anyway, on the walk back we traded snarky remarks and had a friendly bantered back and forth about life, English, and literature. It really seemed like we were hitting it off. She and I seemed a good deal alike in our conversational style (which if she reads this, she may deny) and our pursuit of some sort of perfection in life. She was a truly bright star. Everyone seemed to notice how we talked to each other too. "Finally", I thought to myself, "I've met a girl at UC who might actually appreciate me for who I am". Things might finally work out! So, after the evening was over, I found her on Facebook and had every intention of asking her out (in person, gypsies!) after a one day grace period. Can you believe that folks? Crazy conservative Jacob, so struck by a woman that'd he'd make the leap so quickly? Amazing, right? For those of you not in the know, it took me a year to ask out my last girlfriend (of course we all know how that turned out). Well, here's the kicker folks, which, if I didn't know better, I'd take as a sign that I'm doomed to be alone -- in that grace day she started going out with another guy, a freshman, who lives in her building. Apparently she'd liked him for a while (Jayna told me that). I was, for lack of a better word, floored. And that was the extent of things. I like to think I'm a gentleman, so I backed off. They're happy, from what I hear. So cheers. And better luck next time.

Back to standard summary mode. I got a co-op job this quarter. I'm assigned to work in Belpre, Ohio, as a Process Engineer in a polymer plant. I will need special safety clothing and am paid quite well. That job certainly solidified my future to some degree. I'm looking forward to working again and living alone in a new city a lot. I can't wait to really manage my own life on my own terms.

Academically, this quarter reaffirmed for me my love of chemistry and my ability to scramble to learn things when the pressure is on (CALCULUS, I'm looking at you) I beasted on the final due some awesome studying and selective memorization. Cheers to that. My GPA was not as high as in the past, but it didn't really fall too far. I think it is within the Standard Deviation, for those of you in the know. So cheers to that.

I was also fortunate to have many friends visit me this quarter. I love it when they come down, despite how stressed it makes me because I don't know what all to do. When it's just me I don't do much so when people visit...I can't think of that many special things to do! I love my friends, so I want them to have the best of times, you know? It is also really grand for my friends from back home to meet my college friends. That's one of my favorite parts. I truly enjoy seeing how two people I esteem highly interact with each other. Perhaps the most successful visit was when Jennifer and Erin came down for a day. They blended perfectly with my college friends and we moved together like a united group. It was like they'd always been there! I think they really enjoyed the visit because of how great the dynamic was...I know I did (among other things, of course).

So this quarter was significant in many ways and it seemed to last forever (much like this post, right dear reader?)...to me at least. I'll try to update again soon because there is a lot more to say. No promises though. Thanks for reading, if you do.

I think I'm attracted to insecurity in an individual as much as anything else. Maybe because I can really empathize with it.

Good Morning

I'll give you all a full report soon.

Maybe I Wouldn't Like Death If Death Were Good

A song based on the poem "Dying Is Fine" by ee Cummings.

Thoughts Under a Pine Tree

Yesterday I participated in my first ever "Retreat". I've refrained from such behavior in the past for several reasons, the least of which certainly not being the fact that I've never been seriously invited. Anyway, this retreat was sure to be less awkward than most because it was a UC chorus retreat; that is to say, there were no "strings" attached to my attendance. We'll not get into that though.

I was actually really looking forward to it until Friday (the day before the retreat) when it finally dawned on me that I'd be spending a whole day with strangers, playing games that I have never enjoyed in my life, and hopefully singing. I love singing and I hoped to meet new people, so it wasn't as if I was dreading it...but I began to realize what my situation really was.

Anyway, I went on the retreat. There were a good deal of grand moments: the whole combined choirs randomly doing the wave or breaking out into a rendition of "We Will Rock You", Bohemian Rhapsody with the guys around the piano, or singing Rocky Horror with Kyle (who is an understudy for Rif Raf at the local production)...and of course the rehearsal. However, at the end of the day I just felt unhappy.

After all the singing and games were done and we were almost ready to leave, everyone ran out to do their random fun things...I sat under a pine tree and tried to gather my thoughts on life and myself. I'll try to write it out here because it philosophical enough not to be simply depressing.

The scene was this: I quickly left the building where we had been playing a game and sat under a tree. I watched the crowd of people leave the building, marking each group in my mind. I saw new friends walking together, people on cell phones tied to people back home, a few loners looking for someone to talk to but heading in the same direction as everyone else, and even a few couples, obviously enjoying themselves. Finally, my friend Kyle walked out...pretty much last. He walks over to my tree and we have a short exchange...I'm pretty sure he wanted me to follow him over there to the rest of the people, "I'm going to try to get a better seat on the bus this time." "I'm just going to chill here, man. I'll see you later." And he walked away. I was alone with the ants and the pine needles. The piano sung and I wondered who was playing it but at last my thoughts found a spot to wander to and as I picked apart the dead needles, I was lost in thought.

Initially, I thought about the nature of destruction and creation as I broke apart the pine needles. Was I destroying something? Or was I creating something new by breaking the dead needles into smaller pieces? If nothing is ever truly lost, can anything really be destroyed? Doesn't that mean that creation and destruction are simply human labels brought about by our perspective of the universe? I thought about the nature of death as I gazed out at the dead grass surrounding the tree truck...brought to ruin by a lack of water and the ant colony below me. No one mourns a blade of grass, or a cow...and yet they die as well. What does it mean to be alive? Everything comes from the closeness and attachment that we ourselves choose to have for someone or something. Anything can be something or nothing, created or destroyed, worth mourning for, if only we choose to make it so.

My next thought was about my own behavior. I began to wonder why I have so much trouble in these social settings. I mean, I enjoyed being with the new friends I had made, but when it came to the large group social games or playing sports with the people...I just felt really negative about it and even depressed. I didn't want to do those things...most of them seemed pointless and silly. I love doing that sort of thing with my friends...but with random people it doesn't work. I looked back and saw myself letting myself lose out of the game early and watching the people playing. I put a fake smile on my face so I wouldn't look like a jerk. I saw people laughing together at pretty much nothing, guys and girls flirting like crazy, and completely off the wall behavior. I thought to myself that that's how I should be acting...but here's the crux of my train of thought: that sort of behavior is not who I am and even if I make a friend or find a girl interested in me by doing that sort of thing, I'm lying to them by doing it.

That's a big part of the problem. I don't ever want to lie with actions, words, or even thoughts to anyone, especially myself. I can't do the normal human thing and just go with the flow. I can't even pretend to like playing "Two People Talking, Three People Rowing" for the purpose of making new friends. As I saw it, these people were competing through action...and I was on the losing end because I wouldn't fight.

I have always hoped that one day I'd find someone who really just liked me for who I am, for my idle self...not who I can force myself to be. I'm beginning to think that isn't how the world works. I wonder if it makes me arrogant. Do I not compete because I think I'm better than everyone else; do I think I deserve more? Not consciously at least...otherwise I wouldn't feel how I so often feel. But at the same time, by acting differently than other people, I set myself up for failure...and so I fail every time.

I like to think that a person can lead without force and competitiveness, but with kindness and determination, and that a person can socialize without losing a sense of serious meaningful interaction. Perhaps the really meaningful interactions are the ones I dislike...I have never been so vain as to think that my priorities are how things should be. But I can't stop being myself.

I got up from the ground, walked to the bus, and sat in silence the entire trip back. I didn't regret going, or acting the way I did. I certainly didn't shrug anyone off. But I did wish I was different...that I could simply choose to be the guy telling the jokes and playing all the games. But no. I'm the guy with the sunglasses on who thinks too much about what it means to be honest with yourself. Maybe honesty is just another lie I tell myself...only time will tell.

But hey, Saturday night was awesome. I spent a lot of good times with the people I knew and enjoyed every minute of it...so I can't be totally off my rocker, right? Cheers, gypsies.

Our Thoughts Were So Loud...

Today was...or rather, is, my last day truly living at home. From tomorrow onward I will be in constant transit until the day I find my own place. Last year I didn't really feel sad leaving. In fact, I was quite glad to be leaving. However, last year I knew that I'd return home this summer to the same place. This year is a different story. For those of you who don't know, I will not have another summer break in college. The University of Cincinnati College of Engineering has created a program featuring alternating quarters of co-op and study following the freshman year. Of course, my program will be interrupted in two or so years to allow me to study abroad, but that doesn't change the effect it will have. From now until I graduate I'm going to be in transit.

I've been thinking a lot lately and I'm not worried about losing my friends or family. I know that no matter where I go the people who care about me and that I care about will be able to contact me and vice versa. I'll also still have occasional holiday breaks to spend with people, so you can't forget about me...heck, I may even get a co-op in town and nothing will seem too different...it's just that I'm really going to have to take this big flying leap with the way I view my life.

While We're on the Subject Could We Change the Subject Now

Alright, here's the final list for those of you who have wondered about it even a little bit.

1. Going on a roadtrip to North Carolina with my friends.
2. Working hard on my engineering job.
3. Not stressing to much about life.
4. Go to Triumph LARP events as much as possible.
5. Learn more Japanese.
6. Read the last Harry Potter book.
7. Start a consistent work-out plan.
8. Go on a diet.
9. Hang out with people I haven't seen nearly enough.
10. Take a Saturday to walk somewhere really far away.
11. Write a decent poem again (have I ever done that)?
12. Go to an awesome concert.
13. Eat at the Cheese Cake Factory with Becca.
14. Visit Jessi up north again.
15. Get sweet new glasses.
16. Play some video games and maybe get a DS.
17. Read something by Pullman or Harris.
18. Spend time in Yellow Springs.
19. Hug someone.
20. Turn 20. Amazing, eh?
21. Enjoy the 4th of July like I did when I was a kid. (These days I just wish I was watching the fireworks with someone.
22. Train up to heavy on DDR.
23. (my lucky number) See a couple Reds games, even though they aren't doing so hot.
24. Surprise someone.
25. Buy a sweet DVD.
26. Find something.

14/26 Not bad, honestly.

My Oddly Specific Dream

In this particular dream I was a US Army Capt. serving with British troops in the Asian theater sometime in the late 1990's (I'm assuming an alternate universe and by this I mean the dream was not based on something that could have happened in the real world). I led my group on the battlefield against an international force, eventually running into a Thai brigade near a rock ledge. Using pincer tactics to corner them and separate them from the main enemy force I began to personally engage the enemy. After a short battle I determined that a large majority of the party were non-combatants of a diplomatic nature and refused to raise arms against them. However, a middle-aged Thai soldier challenged me to a duel to maintain honor after my choice not to slay non-combatants. I accepted the challenge so as not to lose face with my troops and to show respect to my enemy. After speaking with the British High Command I was granted permission to duel and I removed the majority of my gear to increase mobility. The Thai soldier informed me that he only had one proper dueling pistol and that I would be permitted to use my personal side-arm. At this point I tested my weapon and found it was jammed. I quickly remedied this, but took note that had I not had the opportunity, my life would have almost certainly been forfeit. Before the duel was to begin, I reflected on the fact that this was my second duel, the first being a victory against someone back home. I then told my Commander, who was supervising the duel, to be sure to give my sword to Chris Fisher if I should fall (weird, eh...I think in the dream it had been a gift from him) and all of my other possessions, excluding the non-sensitive documents I was transporting, would be passed to the victor. The Thai soldier agreed to this and we took position, back to back, and began the standard ten paces forward...I was confident I could win.

Then I woke up to the sound of my cellphone alarm. The dream was oddly specific and still fresh in my mind so I decided to write it down.

Mr. Mathers Tries to Be Useful

So yeah, as is often the case I'll start this entry with an apology that it is the first one in such a long time. It's not even that I haven't had much to say, simply that I haven't had the time to say it...or the drive to actually get on my laptop.

Randomness. As I type this entry I am reminded of vanilla scented candles. I don't really like them all that much, but the occasional whiff is satisfying. Right now I feel as if I'm just about to smell one...like it is right in front of me. It makes me think about family. Vanilla scented candles=family. Not quite, but I'm telling it like it is.

I've been fortunate of late to hang out with a lot of great people. Lindsey K is perhaps the most surprising of these. I hung out with her and a lot of other people Friday night. Sorry pool-party peeps. It was a lot of fun for me, running around in a field (we played flashlight tag)...I never do things like that anymore. However, it just surprised me how very kind Lindsey was to me. Apparently, I'm held in rather high regard by her. Frankly, it shocked me to be thought so highly of by a person who almost never hangs out with me. I can't say it was a confidence boost though, because I can't convince it wasn't just the politeness that a great person must possess, but man, it sure made my night.

Today is Benson's birthday...it is also my brother's birthday. What's funny is that his brother's birthday is on my birthday. I would say that we've laughed about this coincidence but I can't recall how he took it. Happy birthday to the both of them anyway.

Speaking of birthdays, mine is on the horizon. Traditionally, I dislike my birthday very much. The past two have been exceptional though, thanks to the efforts of my awesome friends...perhaps my position needs to be reevaluated. We shall see. This year I definitely still want to do something...I mean, I am turning 20. Of course, it isn't 21, but whatever. I'm going to allow myself a small amount of bitterness for still being single at 20 (of course, I'm not quite there yet), but as I told Randy last night, it isn't as if I didn't see it coming.

I was bitten by a large black dog while I was on a walk with Tori Monday. It has caused me an amazing amount of grief for such a small bite. The police, doctors, and many other such creatures have been forced upon me...it isn't even that bad. Better safe than sorry though, I suppose. I'm on amoxicillin, had a tetanus shot, and filed a police report since the attack was near a school and totally unprovoked. The beast jumped halfway over a fence to bite me. Sheesh, if only some other people wanted to get at me so badly!

On a more productive note, as this blog is supposed to present more lofty concepts than my mundane life can provide, I'll emerge from this entry long digression to say something more abstract. That is simply this: over the past few days I have done a good deal of running around just trying to find a reason to be running around. This is a poor way to live one's life. I should try to make something happen directly, not simply drive around half-expecting that whatever I'm hoping for finds me.

Anyway, I'll work on it.

Cheers then. Best wishes.

Sensations

I really can't do too much with the entry tonight as I am dead tired. However, I felt compelled to mention a facet of my existence that I find interesting. I frequently find myself in a state of disbelief.

This is not to say that I am shocked at particularly improbable or extraordinary things, I just often find myself feeling something like "Wow. How can that be?" Strange, eh? I'll give you a few examples. Last night while I was running along the bike path, I was struck by the rhythm of my breathing, the pain in my legs and chest, the smell of the river and the trees, and the feeling of the wind on my face...and my mind just sort of hit a wall and was like..."Sweet...how amazing is this?" It was totally unexpected and involuntary, which is splendid. Soon afterward my cellphone rang (also surprising). I couldn't pick it up for several reasons. First, it would interrupt my run and I was almost to the 1.5 mile mark so I could not afford that. Second, I was really out of breath and probably could not talk. Finally, I knew by some intuition that it was Jen calling and I could call her back in a moment. But I digress. Another example is when I'm hanging around my friends. All of a sudden I'll just phase out of the picture and think about how great it is to be around them and to have had a past with them...and I just smile on the inside. Part of me can't believe I'm so lucky so I have to analyze it again. The final example is kinda embarrassing...but I'll tell you anyway. I sometimes find myself realizing, never immediately, that someone is very beautiful and I will literally say to myself (and I have said this in my head) "How can someone really be that beautiful!" It's not like I'm saying it to indicate how grand they look...but that I actually can't believe they are so...radiant. I'm just struck by it and it takes me a minute to realize I've wandered. I do not have lewd thoughts after that, for your information, I usually just try to blend back into where I left off. It is mentally amusing for me to look back on these moments. Hmm, perhaps many people have these moments.

Have a nice night, folks. Sorry if this was boring.

Mysterious Mysteries

So, I'm finally home from college and ready to start living life as I choose. Here's a couple things I plan on doing this summer.

1. Going on a roadtrip to North Carolina with my friends.
2. Working hard on my engineering job.
3. Not stressing to much about life.
4. Go to Triumph LARP events as much as possible.
5. Learn more Japanese.
6. Read the last Harry Potter book.
7. Start a consistent work-out plan.
8. Go on a diet.
9. Hang out with people I haven't seen nearly enough.
10. Take a Saturday to walk somewhere really far away.
11. Write a decent poem again (have I ever done that)?
12. Go to an awesome concert.
13. Eat at the Cheese Cake Factory with Becca.
14. Visit Jessi up north again.
15. Get sweet new glasses.
16. Play some video games and maybe get a DS.
17. Read something by Pullman or Harris.
18. Spend time in Yellow Springs.
19. Hug someone.
20. Turn 20. Amazing, eh?
21. Enjoy the 4th of July like I did when I was a kid. (These days I just wish I was watching the fireworks with someone.
22. Train up to heavy on DDR.
23. (my lucky number) See a couple Reds games, even though they aren't doing so hot.
24. Surprise someone.
25. Buy a sweet DVD.
26. Find something.

There's a large batch of random for you all. Sorry if you think it is lame but it is the best I can do right now.

Mock Interview and My New Perspective

Hello, I'm once again writing in this blog thing and there's really a lot of things I could talk about. I think tonight I should do some self-examination on here. Of course, you are all invited to tag along. I assure you though, there's not much worth seeing. However, before I get started I just want to make a shout out to my awesome friends who have all made me feel so grand this weekend. Both today, yesterday, and even the short time I was home Friday were really amazing and although nothing is perfect and I am tired, I will remember all the truly good times for a many years. Thanks guys. You know who you all are. As for the great folks I did not hang out with...I want to hang out with you too! I miss so many people. Honestly!

So, onward. About three weeks ago I went through something referred to as a "Mock Interview" for my Intro to Cooperative Education class. This basically consisted of me preparing my resume the night before, borrowing a tie after realizing mine was at home, walking out into the hot weather in a full suit, and answering questions posed to me by an older student while being critqued on my interview skills and resume. Get this though, folks. It went insanely well. I got compliments on my suit on the way there and the interviewer said not only was my resume excellent, but I displayed a good deal of confidence in the interview and answered even the tough questions very well. Funny thing part two: I was not nervous for this interview.

Now, by itself this story is stupid. It is a waste of time to make you read it. Honestly. But here's the catch. I have been significantly happier since this interview (or at least that day) and I have also been far more confident in myself.

Did you all know that calling people is really one of my greatest fears? I'll put it off like no one's business. So if I call you, you can say with a great degree of certainty that either I really trust you and know you like me and do not mind hearing from me, I really want to have a conversation specifically with you, or I have a pressing reason to speak with you and can't find a way to put it off. I don't mean to offend people by that. In fact, what I mean to say is, calling people is a huge thing for me for some reason and even if I have not called you, you still are likely to be a top notch friend of mine. But I digress. After the interview I have stopped putting off calling people I need to call and emailing official people I need to speak with. I'm getting over this odd apprehension.

So what about this interview or this day brought about these changes? Well, I think in a way this mock interview turned my eyes to the future and finally proved to me, really made me realize, that I could deal with people successfully just by being me. I've seen it time and time again, but for once it stuck. This complete stranger, meant to critique me, found me confident and competent. That was grand. Also, it allowed me to look past myself and see that other people are in the same place as me...and as a name on a list, I can make my own expectations for myself and fulfill or surpass them by my own choices. I can make myself who I want to be. It's pretty empowering. I feel odd for saying that, by the way. ;-)

I think I've changed for the positive...and as silly as it sounds, I am seriously considering laying the blame on a mock interview that I was cursing not 20 minutes before I took it.

It is amazing how one little thing can impact a person...and even more amazing when it is noticed. Hey, maybe I'm wrong here, but one thing is for sure: I am changing and I have been a lot happier lately, despite some tough times that would have killed me not a year ago. I have to be happy about that.

Here's wishing you all the best!

All things considered

Blog entries are a fickle thing. I never seem to be satisfied with them...or, as of late, finish them. However, this weighs on mind and therefore must be changed. So, in order to get the proverbial juices going, let me describe a fictional scene that I can see happening some day in the future (neither distant nor near, just the future; I dare not be specific). Rather, I'll tell a story.


The curtains, which are often the most underrated and overlooked component of any man's room, were what woke him up that Saturday morning, fluttering contently in the cool breeze of the morning. With that certain sense of disbelief that all people having upon just waking up, Jacob realized that he was indeed awake before sunrise on a Saturday (and not simply in the sense that he had not yet gone to sleep, as was often the case). It was certainly somewhat of a surprise to him, but all the same, he felt grand. Repositioning himself so as to face the window, as well as the rustling curtains, he took a deep breath of the air coming in off of the lake. Wonderful indeed, Jacob thought to himself, a smell of life and of a new beginning. He laughed at his humble attempt at prose, delivered to himself so early in the morning. Terribly unimpressive as usual, he chuckled. As the curtains settled with a lull in the breeze, Jacob pulled off the covers, pulled on his slippers, and turned off his alarm (set to 11:30, to allow him two hours to prepare for his lunch out with dear old friends, who just so happened to be in town for the weekend). Instead of heading to the bathroom though, as habit would dictate, he grabbed his robe and left the house to see the sunrise.

As he opened the front door of his house, now clutching a grapefruit juice, Jacob was once again struck by how strange it was that he was awake so early; the sky in the east was only just beginning to turn grey, and the stars were still visible in the sky. However, stranger things had happened, so he wasn't about to waste another moment thinking about this particular oddity. The breeze was back again, but it was late May and it had lost its bitter touch. Still, Jacob pulled his robe tighter around him and took a sip of his juice. With the sour taste of the juice on his tongue the morning air assumed a more earthy smell and brought to mind the days he had spent hiking in the mountains after graduation. Those times were golden.

The sky began to glow in the east as dawn approached. Jacob leaned on the side of his house and watched it arrive. With the first golden rays of the new day illuminating the forest he smiled for a moment in response to the moment. The sunlight touched the edge of the lake and the water seemed to assume a much more friendly attitude. However, this was lost on Jacob, as he was suddenly elsewhere. He had began to recall a conversation he had had long ago, in his youth with a lady fair, about seeing the sunrise over a lake from a house in the woods. What a grand dream that had been! But then it dawned on Jacob that in the three years he had been living by the lake, he had seen the sunrise only one other time - the morning after he had moved into the house - and that had been while he was half asleep, and from a camp chair facing the remains of a great bonfire. Rather sad perhaps, that the paramount reason he had began dreaming about this house had been ignored for so long. But that's what working can do to you.

So, as he walked back inside his house Jacob decided to try to see the sunrise more often, and to reflect more upon days past and what he had wanted to do. Good policy, he thought, now making coffee. I'll have to tell my friends about it when I see them.



Well, that's that. I'll try to do something more philosophical and more personal soon. But, for those who want to know, I've just past through (or, I rather hope I have) a very stressful time. There was no definite beginning or ending and nothing much to talk about with regards to it. Again I've learned about myself. School is difficult but I am happy (that's not what I learned!). Well, I hope to see you all soon; I appreciate your thoughts and your kind words. You all have my best wishes.

For You All

I'll write something interesting here for you all soon. I'm not going to post anything less than grand on this blog.

A Boring Entry

Yesterday was an important day for me. I grew as a person, I think...or maybe I died a little bit. I dunno. Anyway, it feels alright.

Here's something I think is funny...which in one way (not in all ways) relates to the aforementioned growth. At the musical I saw someone who I hadn't seen in a long while (although a lot of people fit that description) and never really got to know that well. After a brief hello this person immediately directed me to the supposed location of another person without asking me a single question. Now, you should know that I wasn't even looking for said person at the time. However, I think this person's words reflect a little bit on the man I was and the impression I was giving to people (especially those people who weren't always around me).

Anyway, I apologize to myself and all other concerned parties. I can't promise it won't happen again, but I'll try.

PS I also apologize for any inconvenience my ambiguity here may cause.

Hmm?

I want to say that today has been a rough cuts day...but it hasn't. I've just been really really bored with, honestly, nothing to do. There was no procrastination involved.

Tomorrow I'm going to Yellow Springs...or somewhere. I need to get away; I need to take a vacation.


I need to find something.

Far enough, far enough wasn't far enough...

So...hello. What can I say that might interest you, the discerning reader? I haven't posted in a while, mostly due to exams, partially due to a lack of inspiration. Tonight I could talk about anything from religion, to politics, to relationships...even my life. I just don't know what to say. Well hey, how about the next person who comments tell me what to write my next entry on? I'll write about anything and give it my best effort. I promise to give my honest opinion too. Too many times people censor themselves on their blogs...I am not going to do that to save face anymore. So fire away, if you wish. If I get no comments, I'll just pick something again, or never update (not happening, though I bet people wonder).

You know, I could be really emo tonight (I'm feeling it) and do an entry about why I dislike myself, or how my relationships never work out...but I think that would just feed into my problems and I promised this blog would be a new beginning. So I will try something more constructive.

I think I am a pretty lucky guy. I have a lot of grand friends who care about me and I somehow manage to get good grades in most subjects...I am fortunate enough to be a good problem-solver. Ahhh, there's a topic!

My future and past as an engineer. I can satisfy a part of my emo-self by prefacing this by saying that I once wrote a huge letter about this to someone that I decided to make very important to me in the past...and never sent it because it felt silly (probably because I can't believe that person would care-maybe that is part of my problem). An aside to be random: I wrote David three letters and never sent them because I take too long to write them and the beginning of the letter became old news. *ahem* Back to the topic.

Onward! I decided as a small child that I wanted to be a chemist. I had a golden vision of my small self in goggles and a lab-coat, mixing chemicals in a fancy lab. It was a fun choice for me. As I grew up, I changed my mind and wanted to work for NASA as an aerospace engineer. I envisioned myself wearing dress casual clothing and wide-rimmed glasses (in fashion nowadays, I hear) gazing with a cool demeanor over a computer console as a rocket blazed upward in the distance. I wanted badly to send something into space and I truly wanted to make a mark on the future of mankind. I decided in 8th grade I would go to MIT to reach my goals. However, around my sophomore year of high school, I realized I wasn't really smart enough to work for NASA or go to MIT and that physics was not something I really enjoyed doing...so I put my old dreams aside for a big fat "undecided" label.

Then, and I'm not afraid to admit this, along came a fair maiden. This particular person soon convinced me that chemical engineering was a good field to get into...ah the amazing power of suggestion females can have. But I am a logical person! I would not continue on a path just because of a single person...right? Right! I soon realized that I loved chemistry and was pretty darn good at it. I did research and saw how broad chemical engineering was and that it could provide enough flexibility to make me happy one way or another. Materials engineering was especially attractive to me, but I considered it enough of a sub-division of CHE that I wouldn't narrow my prospects by majoring in it...and I so was decided.

Now that I am actually majoring in chemical engineering, let me talk about where I want to go with it. I have two absolute "dream dreams"...things that I don't believe possible but would love to do. The first dream is me working as a Chemical Engineer for NASA, either trying to colonize the moon, Mars, or just working with the future of space-travel...because, in my humble opinion, we can't stay here forever. If humanity doesn't want to become extinct from a freak accident or stupid act of war (but aren't they all stupid) we need a second, third, fourth, fifth, etc. base away from here. The second dream is me working as an engineer or college professor in Japan. I already plan on an international co-op and Japan is my first choice. I think the culture there would suit me better than too. We'll see what happens though.

Here's what I think will happen. I'll work this summer on base and at the end of the summer they will ask me about my plans for co-op (i.e. am I working for them). I won't be able to say no to them because it is a very solid job and a great path to the future...plus I feel like I owe them a bit. So, I'll co-op on base while living at home, miss out on going to Japan, graduate high in my class, and be hired non-competitively as a civilian at Wright-Patt. I will move out of my home to somewhere in Fairborn and visit frequently Huber while becoming part of the base sub-culture. I may find someone I want to date, but it isn't likely. So, I'll be well-employed and marginally happy with my life while working close to home. Finally, when I'm a senior engineer (if I'm not married), I'll pull so strings and get transferred to Egland base in Florida until I retire to a quiet beach home and try to live out my days in peace. I'll probably have cats and write poetry (it will likely be bad...I'll have been an engineer for quite a while). Then I'll die and some people back home will be sad for a little while.

Not so bad, eh? Nothing ever goes as planned though. This point is illustrated pretty well by my bracket...I have a solid general idea of where things are going, but I could never hope to get it right.

Wow, this entry got pretty long. I'll end it now with my best wishes to all my friends and anyone who might randomly stumble onto my blog. I'm rooting for you all. Don't forgot my comment request!

When you just have something to say...

So tonight I want to talk about something more philosophical. Not extremely philosophical, but more so than the previous few entries have been. Tonight I want to talk a little bit about public schooling versus homeschooling. Now, I know it seems a silly thing for a college student like me to bring up, but I've always had an opinion on it and I think tonight I'm going to share it.

It is my opinion that, although public schools cannot provide the same quality of or degree of personalization in a child's education as a home school experience can, the social benefits it gives outweigh any losses this can bring about. I feel that the social experience of public schooling is extremely important for the proper growth an individual. I'm not saying homeschooling makes becoming a functioning member of society impossible or that it makes you a bad person (I definitely don't think that at all)...it just seems to be a social handicap. When a person who has not been exposed to the social arena of public school/real social situations with a diverse group of peers (and all of the dangers such a situation entails) is suddenly thrust into it, things are just awkward and it takes a while for them to properly adjust. *shrugs* Maybe this is worth it to some people, but I don't think so. I feel like the kid loses out on becoming the individual they could have been...and on a whole other type of learning.

This whole thing ties into another belief I have. I feel like a lot of kids movies today are not giving all of the right messages. It seems to me that kids need better villains and they need to see scary situations in their media. Even movies for children (I'm not talking babies here, that would be silly) need to have some reflection of reality in them. Let's take some older movies and analyze them...you can compare them to newer movies (now I could be wrong here, okay, I don't watch many movies) ;-) Sorry, this gets even more biased here...but it is my blog! "The Great Mouse Detective" is and was one of my favorite movies because of its great hero vs. great villain scenario. In addition to that, it also has great moments of comedic value and songs that no one will groan to hear. I love everything about that movie; but on to my point. In "The Great Mouse Detective" we have a truly evil villain with a rough cuts sidekick to boot. I mean, come on, he feeds another mouse to a cat and captures a toymaker forcing his daughter to go out on her own. Everyone should be able to see he is an evil dude. That movie is a more like real life good vs. evil (despite the characters being rodents...personification takes care of that though) and not in the silly fantasy way...the viewer can understand why one character is "evil" and needs to be taken down by the "hero". I think that's important; kids need to see 1. that bad things do exist, 2. the real reasons that bad things are actually bad (coming from scary moments) and 3. that heroes are imperfect but try to do their best...and sometimes it doesn't work out. In a lot of movies that kids see today they don't get messages like that. As I see it, kids get three basic types of messages from their media exposure today: 1. There are absolute forces of good and evil that are self-evident and come not from real situations but as a result of their very natures...and good always wins because it is good or 2. There are no evil forces in the universe and they are completely safe (note: this is a FINE message for younger children!!)or 3. The universe is a very scary place where adults control every it is time to withdraw. Basically, kids see movies meant for adults and pick up things too soon or they see silly children's movies and are not properly prepared for the world...which I'll admit is kinda a silly thing to say, they are just movies after all. Harry Potter is a decent exception...I'll give the world that...perhaps that is why it is so well received.

Anyway, back on topic. How about I tell a story then? One day this past summer as I was working at my job, two of my co-workers and I suddenly got into a discussion about public schooling versus home schooling. It should be noted that I respect both of these individuals as highly as I respect anyone in the world, they are both kind and highly educated individuals who work hard. But I digress, both of these gentlemen had younger children and were on the verge of deciding to home-school them. I did not try to tell them how to parent their children, mind you, but my opinion on the subject was requested. So, I told them that I felt public school was an important social experience for children and that a good solid parent (which I knew them both to be) should be able to raise their children to be excellent people without dictating every influx of information their children received as home school often results in. You see, my co-workers did not want their children exposed to any of the negative elements of society with their supervision. They wanted total control. This is of course admirable but, in my humble opinion, both impossible and detrimental to the proper development of a child. I believe that especially during the pre-school and elementary years of a child's life they have to be exposed to other individuals and the outside world without the barrier of a parent so that they can learn "how things are". Perhaps I'm just ignorant, but I feel strongly about this. The discussion ended there though, because they respected my feelings on the subject as a recent graduate of a VERY public school and I completely respected their feelings as parents wanting to raise good children.

So there's no conclusion here really...I just wanted to rant a bit. I hope you maybe enjoyed it and weren't to offended or anything.

Some distractions

So, I don't have much time nowadays because of everything that I have to get done but I thought I should let you know, in true blog fashion, of a couple things. First off, I'm really excited about this coming weekend. Jess is coming to Cincinnati for a visit and as if that wasn't enough I was able to secure two tickets for the Flogging Molly concert at Bogarts...which just so happens to be a five minute walk from my dorm! I think it is going to be absolutely epic.

The only downside is that I have an insane amount of work to do. Agh! It will be okay though...I'm sure it will.

My second and final point is this: I just have to share this video/song. It's one of the strangest things I've heard and seen in a long time. I kinda like it because it makes me a bit uncomfortable. Well, check it out if you like. *EDIT* Broken Link Removed!
Cheers, gypsies!

A New Poem-for the gypsies who care for such things

A multitude of ants
Marched forward and around
The silent stalks of maize
That rose up from a seemingly parched
Plot of soil.

Headstrong,
They gazed without anticipation,
Walking the well-tred columns
That were laid down before them,
In times unknown.

No will will stoop low
To tell them of the coming rains,
And the coming cold,
The inevitable for changes,
The commonplace apocolypse.

Perhaps it's because they would not listen;
Perhaps it's because they already know.

A PT Barnum Original: Jacob's Amazing Jesus Bird

So, I'm home for the weekend and doing a good deal of chillin'. However, one chore that I did have to do last night was to bag a dead bird on our back porch so the dog wouldn't get it. My tools for this job were three plastic bags; two bags to put it in and one to pick it up with. So I grabbed this bird and began to examine it to find its cause of death. It was a beautiful specimen with a red throat and fine feathers. I hypothesized that it had died from either the cold or of a lack of food. Anyway, after a short examination I put it in the bags, tied them off and threw them in the garage. So here's the weird part. This morning, my dad was looking for the bird in the bags to dispose of it properly...and it was gone. All that was left were a few feathers in the bag in the corner near the bag. So here are my thoughts on the possibilities.

1. In a total departure from logic this bird was actually resurrected in a holy manner.
2. The birds remains were eaten by a creature that lurks in my garage or came in when my parents opened the garage and left soon afterward after smelling a tiny tiny dead bird in a bag far away from the garage door...but did not rip through the bag. Animals can be amazing.
3. The bird was not totally dead on my porch. It was in a frozen state but was saved in time to preserve its life and in the slightly warmer temperatures in my garage it was revived and after some struggle, escaped from the bad and flew the proverbiable coop when my parents open the garage.
4. There was no bird.

Soooo, I'll depart from Barnum and take a line from Ripley and say, "Believe it, or not!"

In sickness and in health...

So, I've been varying degrees sick for the past week and a half and I finally think I'm beginning to gain an edge on the thing. In my battle with sickness very few things interesting enough to post have come into my mind. However, I can talk about two things: my opinion on health care and my feelings on the effect of the mind on healing.

First up are my feelings on health care. Let me start by saying that I like doctors as people. Every medical professional I have ever met has been interesting and good in one way or another. However, if I have any choice in the matter I simply won't have anything to do with them. Now, the only reason I feel bad about this is that my choice can sometimes leave me contagious for longer periods of time, endangering others...which is not cool. But in all honesty, I disregard that 90% because visiting a doctor just isn't worth it to me. Sorry gypsies. Anyway, I think my feelings stem from several sources.

Being brutally honest with myself
1. My mother took me to the doctor to many times as a child and now I feel it is a sign of weakness to go there.
2. Doctor's offices and hospitals contain many other sick people who can further infect me. I'm not really cool with that...in fact, I always wondered why doctors don't get sick more often.
3. Although it may reveal me to be odd in the head I can honestly say that when I'm sick I want to see how bad it can get and how long it will take me to recover on my own. I mean, people used to have to recover from things on their own all the time...I can handle it. Note: I am aware that many of these people died or were disabled due to their illnesses and that due mostly to the rise of modern medicine the average lifespan for an American has doubled. I just don't care to think about it.
4. Doctors cost money that I don't have and time I'd rather use for other things.

So that is perhaps my greatest departure from logic to date...excepting perhaps...well, if you know me, you know this.

The effect of the mind on healing is very interesting to me. I honestly think that getting well has about 35% to do with one's mentality...maybe more. I know there a lot of examples of this...most of them are probably flukes though. And the power of prayer, that's for another day. But all I really can say is this: the day after drinking my favorite fruit puree which contains 2000% of my daily vitamin C I always feel better. It's happened three times. I'm not saying that I think this Vitamin C saturation really helps me, but on some level I guess I do. They just make me feel better. I also try to get rid of headaches in a zen way. My standard technique is to declare them pointless and turn off the pain. Unfortunately this only works for about 3 seconds. Meh, it's all silliness.

A story

I don’t know why I noticed it tonight, sitting there on my windowsill. I have no idea what compelled me to take any interest in it; and yet, there I was staring at the unlit candle in my window. It was blue, in the moonlight, with a pattern of squares pressed into it. One might say it was all-together unimpressive. Tonight was a cold night with a clear sky, and it seemed to me that the candle was gazing at the stars with an odd sort of longing. I, in my bed, covered in flannel sheets, could not begin to understand what a candle could possibly long for as it faced a clear night sky; but this did stop me from pondering it. After a bit of thought, it became apparent to me that the stars were ignoring the candle, purposefully paying it no interest, and that the new moon had its back turned from it, denying it even the smallest recognition. Yet the candle stared outward just the same.
It had to have been there before, I thought, but having never had to close my curtains I suppose I had just forgotten about it. I never simply noticed it. But tonight for some reason it stood out in my mind and dominated my consciousness. The candle had never known any fire. It had never felt the silky tongues of a flame. No, it stood tall and straight, clean and pure. But I knew the candle felt no pride in its posture…it had never done anything but stare outward. Why was the candle there in the first place?
“Candle, candle, with no fire you stand silent and steadfast, not a barrier against the darkness, cold, and fear, but a part of it.” The words fell from my lips without reason. But the candle paid them no mind. Instead, it was begging for me an action. And then suddenly I realized why the candle was there. It had been a gift from an old friend…not so old at the time. It was a parting gift from Chris to me, given when I left to start my first job, many years ago. I scarcely remember his face…but I remember his home. He used to light his home with candles in the evening and we would spend the nights laughing among the flickering lights and the smell of melting wax and sandalwood. I remember the candle now and how he gave it to me on my last day back home…to remember the good times. I set it in my window, as people often do, and paid it no more mind.
I don’t know what called my attention to it, but my candle on the windowsill, a gift from a friend as true as I ever had, was begging to be lit. I knew now that as it stared at the stars each night it was longing to show them its own light…even if it meant feeling the heat of a flame, losing its perfect posture, and gradually diminish. Who would have guessed I had been neglecting my candle?
But I did not move from my bed to light the candle. It was a cold night and the matches were in the kitchen. Instead I lay there and wondered; how long had the candle been waiting to be seen? How long had I let my candle simply collect dust? Candles cannot burn without first being given a fire to hold and I had never thought to give it one. It was just sitting there, night after night, waiting for the biggest candle of all to rise and taunt it with what it could never make… As I drifted off to sleep, glad to not have to face the candle anymore, I wondered if it would ever even light at all.
The next morning I shut the curtains.

Lazy, lazy

I'll give you a good update soon, blog. I'm sorry I've been lazy.

And God said...*nothing*!!!

Okay, so college has started and classes are rockin' so far; but enough about my daily life.

Today I was reading through the news and I stumbled upon this article about Pat Robertson and his claims. Apparently this fellow is a prominent religious figure as the broadcaster of the "700 Club". Cool, cool, that's fine. I don't mind that you host a religious program that also gives news...no matter how much spin that can create (heck, I'll admit to reading news from the Vatican press, so fooey on me if I get mad at things like that) but here's what gets me: Mr. Robertson comes out and says that during one of his prayer retreats, God told him personally that their will be a "mass killing" in the USA sometime after September of this year. God didn't say it was nuclear apparently, just that it would be big like that. Mr. Robertson also claimed that the USA's friendship with Israel is feigned and that "God punished then-Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon with a stroke for ceding Israeli- controlled land to the Palestinians". That's some pretty detailed stuff. What kind of maniacal mysticism is this man spouting!?

I have a lot of issues with this piece of news. First of all, let's assume that God is telling Pat Robertson these things. Was it God's intention that Pat Robertson should spread the Good News to everyone he could? I don't know, but if God wanted people to know (other than Pat Robertson) he should just come out and say it. Second of all, what good is it for people to know this? All this can do is create panic and, in case of an actual attack, maybe make for some more believers... Maybe that's the point right there! Who knows. What are my personal thoughts about this? I think it's a load of absolute bull crap. Sorry, if there is a God up there, he doesn't much want to talk to you, Pat, and he sure as heck isn't going to tell you when attacks are happening or if he gave Ariel Sharon a stroke. You know how this guy justifies his ravings? He cites his prediction that Bush would win both of his elections. Hmmm...you know who else predicted that? Republicans, more than half of the media, and 50% of the population. It's called democracy and to predict a result that is not even a 50-50 chance in favor of your guy doesn't make you a prophet, even if you do talk in the name of the Divine. It makes you a member of the conservative media. He also apparently made predictions of some "storms and possibly a tsunami" on the east coast in 2006. It didn't happen like that, but he claims that what rains did happen was enough to confirm his prediction. Whatever...How can anyone who makes unfounded claims be believed...and if he is wrong he just shrugs it off as God's will. You can't put stock in that! Men should stay out of the business of the Divine. It does not suit them.

Of course you can all laugh at me when something terrible does happen...not that you would. You're not rooting for that are you? We shall see. *sigh* This world is a confusing place.